“Sounds… fun.”
“So, how is it going with… what’s his name again?”
“Giles. His name is Giles,” I reply. Even saying his name makes me smile and annoyingly, Kris chooses that moment to glance at me so she witnesses it too.
“Oh, shit. You like him.”
“Well, yes, that’s kind of how this all got started.”
“No, I mean, youreallylike him.”
There’s a slight lurching in my stomach, like somebody’s jumping up and down in it, but it’s not unpleasant. Oh, wait. Are they butterflies?
“I do yes,” I admit.
“That’s fucking awesome!” Kris calls out over the rumble of a passing Double Decker bus on the other side of the road. “I just thought you wanted to get your dick wet.”
“Kris, honestly…”
“It has been a while.”
“Oh, I didn’t realise you were counting each day of my celibate streak.”
“I gave up after two years.”
“It wasn’t…” But I trail off because maybe it was more than two years. “You don’t think that that’s why I’m now… you know… with a man. Because it’s just been so long and no woman will have me?”
Despite the traffic, I can hear Kris’ tut. “Don’t say that. Plenty of women would be lucky to have you. And I say that with some obvious authority.”
“I’m not sure how authoritative your authority is, considering I turned you gay.”
“You did not turn me gay! Iwasgay. You were my beard. And it wasn’t personal. You weren’t the first, you just happened to be the last and as I’ve said before, I think you were such a comfortable and safe space for me to finally admit to myself what I’ve known all along.”
I don’t reply immediately. I’m wondering if that’s what Giles is to me. Was he the safe space I needed to realise things about myself that maybe I’ve known all along?
“So what are you and this Giles then?” Kris interrupts my thoughts. “Friends with benefits? Lovers? Dating? Partners?”
Each label hits me like a precisely fired arrow. And each one prompts a quick Yes from me. The yeses getting louder and louder.
“We’re still just training buddies and, you know, having sex lessons.”
“Even though you have feelings for him?”
“It’s only been two weeks. Two weeks and three lessons,” I tell her but even I can’t believe that’s all it’s been. Those lessons have felt like so much more.
“You didn’t answer my question. You have feelings for him, so surely it’s more than that for you.”
I swallow and catch my breath. We’re going at a fair pace but I’m not sure my chest feels tight because of the exercise.
“But he doesn’t have feelings for me,” I state. “Not like that, anyway.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because…” I think about Tony and his perfect hair and lithe body. I think about Jeremy and his sculpted physique and supermodel bone structure. “I’m not his type.”
“Have you asked him that?”
The suggestion stuns me so much I wobble on my bike nearly veering out of the already pitifully narrow cycle lane.
