I stop talking.
Not because he growled.
More because I liked it.
He’s Margot’s ex, I remind myself.
Margot wouldn’t recognize him if he leapt in front of her stark naked in the middle of a boardroom meeting, I retort to myself.
As if that would ever happen.
Which is part of why she wouldn’t recognize him, but also, he wouldn’t do it.
Or would he?
In fact, I think this Oliver might if it would get him whatever he wanted.
I test the couch to see if it’s a pull-out bed, discover it’s not, and stifle a sigh of my own before curling up into myself and trying to position the single throw pillow appropriately for me to rest here.
I’m hungrier than I want to admit out loud, and I’m exhausted too, but I miss my freaking stuffed lobster that I sleep with every night at home and I’m too keyed up to sleep.
So I lie there, waiting for his breathing to even out.
It doesn’t.
He flops to one side.
Sighs heavily.
Wrestles with the covers until he’s underneath them.
Flops to his other side.
Sits up and beats a pillow.
Flings himself back down again.
Breathes heavily, but never steadily.
It’s like he can’t fall asleep either.
I have that problem sometimes after a hard week whenever I let myself think too much about the uncertainty that comes with not having a trust fund anymore, with the satisfaction of building my own retirement account—slowly,soslowly—and thefear that I’ll lose another job and have to swallow my pride and take help from Margot, who would help me in an instant if I asked, except maybe not once she hears about this road trip.
And after those worries set in, then the insomnia comes.
Followed soon thereafter by the panic attacks.
It was easier to hide them before Bea moved in with me after she had a rough breakup a few months ago, but having her in my apartment made me panic less.
Not always sleep better, but definitely panic less.
Until Margot started talking about taking Oliver back when his dad got out of prison.
And then I’d panic about why I was panicking.
And I think I’ve finally realized what my issue was.
I don’t talk to my parents anymore. No relationship. None.
