For the ruse that’s coming with entirely too many real emotions.
We’re getting close with two generations of our families.
Now if we can just get Dane’s uncle and all our grandparents on board, he and I will be able to go back to our normal lives.
But better.
But worse, because I think I might miss Dane more than I can bear to admit.
Chapter 19
Dane
Amanda’s on the back porch again while I finish up my work for the day.
She’s been quiet since we left Reindeer Bakes with a wedding cake on order for Monday night. I don’t know if she’s feeling the pressure that comes with knowing we have to tell our families the truth soon, or the same level of guilt I’ve felt about the lies, but I know a quiet Amanda is not a normal Amanda.
I grab a slice of fruitcake from the log I got from Uncle Rob earlier today and take it out back to her in the still-stifling heat.
“Not out there catching the fireflies?” I ask as I sit down on the back steps next to her.
She doesn’t answer right away.
Didn’t expect her to. She’s too pensive right now.
She’s not even nibbling on the fruitcake, though she accepted the plate and has it on her lap.
“I didn’t realize how much it hurt that I could never berealfriends with Lorelei until today,” she finally says. “I’ve always thought that was part of the reason why I’m never interested in relationships, but now Iknowit is. It’s the biggest part. Too much judgment from the outside world.They’re wrongoryou should pick better, but multiplied becauseyou’re getting the judgment from someone else’s family too. It’s like, I can’t look at a man and not subconsciously wonder what his family will find wrong or unworthy about me when I wasn’t even worthy of being publicly friends with Lorelei growing up, like it was somehow my fault, so it’s easier to just make my own way without anyone else’s expectations.”
“Family gets in your head in ways you don’t even realize.”
“They do.”
I scoot closer to her and loop an arm around her. “My ex leaving me was the kindest thing she could’ve done. Even with how she did it. But after I got over being called boring, I started to realize how much she’d complained about everything.Everything.Without that noise, the next time I talked to my grandma, when she started ranting about something your grandma had done, I was more or less triggered. Felt like I was back in a dysfunctional relationship with the worst kind of cynic, and that’s when it all clicked. Every single time I did something that a normal parent would’ve just been proud of, my family wanted to talk about how much better it made us look compared to your family instead. I didn’t even tell them the last time I got a promotion, because I didn’t want to hear that they couldn’t wait to rub it in your family’s faces. I just wanted to hear a fuckinggood job, we’re proud of you.”
“Why did they ever think this was okay?” she whispers, the break in her voice making fissures erupt in my heart.
“It’s all they knew.”
“I almost had a panic attack when I saw the cost of the wedding cake,” she adds. “I can’t pay that back.”
“Our families pushed it to this. They can pay for it.”
For all the guilt I’ve felt about lying, I don’t feel any guilt about leaving it to our families to make things right with the businesses around town who are going out of their way to celebrate our wedding.
Seeing Amanda’s pain talking about not being able to be friends with Lorelei sealed it for me.
Someonein town knows why our families are fighting. We wouldn’t have gotten the two letters we’ve received if they didn’t.
But not a single person inside either of our families will tell us what happened.
If they know.
Which means they appear to be fighting for the sake of fighting.
Fuck that noise and fuck feeling like I have no worth beyond being a pawn in their fights.
A stiff breeze whips off the lake, rattling the pines and rustling through the oak and maple canopy.
