And that makes me mad too, and I don’t know why.
Fine.
Yes.
I know why.
It’s because it’s exactly what he’d say if he only wants me as a friend,orit’s exactly what he’d say if he wants more but he’s respecting all of the walls I’ve put between us. “You didn’t cook up the fucking storm, Duncan. Just come in and get dry and don’t get hit by lightning going back to your car, okay?”
He stares at me while thunder cracks the wet morning air.
“And don’t do my dishes,” I add.
He widens his stance and runs a hand over his head, slicking back his soaked hair. “When I do your dishes, I’m not looking for anything in return. You don’t owe me. There’s no tally board keeping score. It’s what you do for a friend when they need help. And sometimes it’s what you do for a friend even when they don’t need help.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and blow out a long breath. The wind blows more mist under the overhang, and this time, I shiver.
Get out of your own head, Addie. This is just about being safe during a storm.“I hear and acknowledge the words you’re saying, but I have a lifetime of examples to the contrary.”
“I can see where that makes trusting people hard.”
“Where it makes trusting people not worth it.” I hate sounding bitter.Hateit.
But if we’re going to continue doing community events together, and if he’s going to keep parking near me and walking me home and offering to do my dishes, and if I’m going to keep having this growing attraction to him again, and if he’s going to keep giving me all of these signs and signals that he likes me too, then he needs to know where I stand.
That it’s not him.
It’s me.
I have issues. They might be insurmountable.
And I like my life. I don’t feel like anything’s missing.
But lately, I want more.
Lately, I wanthim.
He squeezes my good arm. “Good luck at the game today. I promise I won’t wear your jersey. Clearly bad luck.”
“It’s thunderstorming, Duncan.”
“I’ll hang out in the lobby until it passes.”
And now I’m getting pissed. “Is this a game? Are you playing mind games with me right now?”
He shakes his head. “I’m just trying to respect what you want. I don’t think you want me in your apartment, and you don’t want me walking six blocks in a thunderstorm, so I’m fine hanging out in the lobby until it’s safe for me to go. That’s it. That’s my whole agenda right now.”
I want him in my apartment.
And that’s why I’m mad.
Duncan Lavoie has once again made me like him, and that scares the ever-loving fuck out of me.
Especially after talking to a woman today who put my mom back at the forefront of my mind.
I unclench both of my fists and suck in a deep breath.
Iwanthim in my apartment.
