But it’s the first time I’ve heard a player say these words when I’ve usedour schedules conflictas one of the reasons we can’t be together.
Which is a very specific situation that has only happened this one time in my life.
“I’m old,” he adds, quieter.
I swallow hard, again. Today is making me entirely too emotional. All of it. “Youfeelold, or the numbers say you’re old?”
His knees touch the seat in front of him. He’s in shorts. Bare knees. Strong knees. One with a scar suggesting knee surgery at some point in his career. His arms rest on his thighs as he inhales deeply.
“I wouldn’t have overheated ten years ago.”
“You don’t play hockey in summer weather.”
“It’s been two years since I broke my personal speed record, and I’ve had fewer minutes on the ice every season for the past three.”
“Being a team player is about more than one or two personal stats.”
“There are more guys on the team now who didn’t win our first cup with the team than there are guys who did.”
“It’s been a lot of years since then. Trades happen. Teams slip and rebuild.” Why am I doing this? Why am I trying to talk him out of retiring?
“Ares Berger retired at the end of last season. Wants to spend more time with his wife and kids. Manning Frey retired season before last. Wanted to spend more time with his wife and kids and visit his home country more. Murphy’s been retired for a couple years now. Spends his time mostly with his wife and kids, with a few hours a week devoted to the Thrusters’ front office.”
Heat prickles over my arms.
My pulse is still trying to prove it can outrace a cheetah. “You want that.”
“I always wanted it.” He stares out over the field, where the grounds crew is still cleaning up after the commercial shoot. “You marry your college sweetheart two years into your career, you think you’re gonna have it. And then it falls apart and you think you’ll get a second chance, but the closest you come, you’re more into it than she is.”
I flinch, and I know he notices.
He lifts one shoulder. “Not saying either of us was right or wrong. Just how it was. You didn’t—don’towe me anything. Sometimes things just don’t work. People are in different spaces, and we don’t always recognize that about each other. People have different histories and different goals and different lifestyles. It just is.”
And this is my biggest problem with Duncan Lavoie.
When he’s not pissed that I need to be independent, he says all of the right things.
You don’t have to pick me. I’d pick you, but I understand you’re under no obligation to pick me back.You don’t need me. I get it.
I want to press about what he meant yesterday when he said he’d reached acceptance with having me back in his life. If thisis him treating me the same way he’d treat any other friendly colleague, or if this is his way of trying to prove to me that we could be good together again. How much of it has to do with the text that I’m pretending I didn’t send him Saturday night.
But I’m not ready for that conversation.
“So what does retirement look like for you now?” I say instead.
That’s what players usually want to talk about when they toss around the R-word.
This is what I’ve always done. I know I can’t do it forever, but I don’t know what comes next.
I had the conversation with Cooper as he was starting to pursue dating Waverly while he was standing in the batting cages.You ever think you’ll leave baseball one day, Coach?
Everyone leaves baseball sometime.How soon depends on when you find the next thing that will make your life more fulfilling.
All while knowing that I’m never leaving baseball.
I fucking love this sport.
“I have one year left on my contract.” He scuffs his shoe over the concrete floor. “Got time to figure it out.Allof it. Not just the parts I already know.”
