RugbyFletch: Fine. One point to you.
CoachGoldie: Way more than one point for that one.
RugbyFletch: One point and one point only, which Sweet Pea can take away at will if she decides you’re too much trouble.
CoachGoldie: I think Sweet Pea is smart enough to know that this charade benefits you far more than it benefits me. You sell tickets when you post sweet little messages about going on dates with the woman who saved your life. When I post a picture of us together, my clients message asking if I’ve hit my head and if I’ll still be able to get on a plane with a concussion.
RugbyFletch: Did you take three hours to reply to my message because you were practicing all of those zingers in your head?
CoachGoldie: Nope. I’m naturally quick on my feet. I open an app, I see messages, I reply. I was at dinner and didn’t get to your message until now. Also, I don’t hold it against you that you’re not so quick. I know you’ve taken a few actual hits to the head over the years.
RugbyFletch: I don’t need to be quick on my feet. I have something better.
CoachGoldie: I shouldn’t ask. I’m going to regret asking. This is me NOT asking what’s better.
RugbyFletch: My killer looks.
CoachGoldie: I didn’t ask.
RugbyFletch: But you wanted to know.
CoachGoldie: Nope. Didn’t want to know.
RugbyFletch: These looks got me a new endorsement deal today. Don’t worry. The commercial comes with a script.
CoachGoldie: Let me guess. Facial bandages? Mustache growthserum? Athlete’s foot cream? No. That’s too predictable. Something to do with a travel-in-more-comfort product like those neck pillows or footrests for airplanes?
RugbyFletch: Wine.
CoachGoldie: NO.
RugbyFletch: You don’t think I’m sophisticated enough to drink wine?
CoachGoldie: Oh. Sorry. I get WHINE and WINE confused. I thought you meant you got picked up to sponsor whining.
RugbyFletch: I’m not your brother.
CoachGoldie: You two kiss and make up yet?
RugbyFletch: Am I an asshole?
CoachGoldie: I…feel like this conversation is taking a turn into a lane I should not be in.
RugbyFletch: Apparently the entire team thinks I think I’m better than they are.
CoachGoldie: I have heard that rumbling from people who also think they are better than other people.
RugbyFletch: Which ones?
CoachGoldie: What?
RugbyFletch: Which ones? Which ones of my teammates told you I’m a self-centered asshole?
CoachGoldie: There’s this thing called “I will never tell you that information for the collective good of all of society.”
RugbyFletch: I’m a team player.
CoachGoldie: So you’ve said.
