Find a date I’ll accept.
Game. Fucking. On.
5
From the Instagram direct messages of Goldie Collins
RugbyFletch: It’s not every day I slide into the DMs of a woman I’ve been following for a few years.
CoachGoldie: Have you ever followed a woman for a few years?
RugbyFletch: That’s classified.
CoachGoldie: Much like your mustache should be…
RugbyFletch: I’ve been doing research on mustaches. Did you know the first mustache to change the world was worn by a serf who led a labor uprising against the nobles in Europe in the fourteen hundreds? It also protected him from getting the black plague and having bad dates. The ’Stache That Changed The World.
CoachGoldie: Fascinating. And so very real-sounding. Almost as fascinating and real-sounding as Steve’s obituary…
RugbyFletch: Who’s Steve?
CoachGoldie: Never mind. I assume you have a proposal?
RugbyFletch: I have it on good authority that you like flash mobs.
CoachGoldie: Hey, look at that. You can block people on thisapp. There’s this button, and if I click it, it gives me the option to never have to hear from you again.
RugbyFletch: Fine. I’ll cancel the flash mob. But I make no promises about the singing telegrams.
CoachGoldie: Are you delivering it yourself?
RugbyFletch: That would require the singing part to happen, which is not happening.
CoachGoldie: Good point. Silas annoyed me at dinner, so I pulled up that karaoke video you were tagged in and played it until he cried for mercy.
RugbyFletch: That was my evil twin. And if you think he’s bad, I’m worse. Which is why I don’t karaoke.
CoachGoldie: Do you have siblings?
RugbyFletch: None that claim me.
CoachGoldie: Understandable.
RugbyFletch: We could hit the ballpark. Or a hockey game.
CoachGoldie: And hide in mascot costumes so I’m not seen in public with you.
RugbyFletch: The whole POINT is for you to be seen in public with me.
CoachGoldie: Fine. You win. Since it’s what you want anyway, you can come to soccer practice with the little kickers Saturday morning and I’ll show you how to kick a soccer ball. If you do well with that, I might even teach you how to aim it too.
RugbyFletch: *video of himself kicking a rugby ball a very long distance to score a drop goal*
CoachGoldie: *video of herself kicking a soccer ball from the corner of the field and it hooking into the net*
RugbyFletch: My PR person would likely say that the two of us having a public date where we eviscerate each other in our respective sports isn’t the good kind of photo op that I personally think it would be.
CoachGoldie: You have a PR person?
