I texted Jonas pictures and updates and my appreciation.
Friday, when he got back to town, we had a smaller pizza party. Just Bash and Jonas and me.
Bash asked very politely to watchPanda Bananda, his favorite cartoon, which made Jonas’s ears turn bright red.
When I asked if he had an issue with Panda, he winced, then very quietly did Panda’s voice.
“Did you two know Jonas does Panda’s voice inPanda Bananda?” I say suddenly.
“What?” Sabrina says.
“No,” Laney says.
“I’ve never watched the credits before. But he does.”
“Since when?” Sabrina demands.
“The whole time. It’s only in the second season. He said he auditioned on a dare not long after…we met.”
“Is he giving that up too?” Sabrina whispers.
Laney’s shaking her head. “The show would beruinedif they got a new voice.”
“And how would Bash feel if he found out his father leaving was the reason his favorite TV show ended?” Sabrina adds.
“Moral dilemma,” I agree. “I’m staying out of it.”
“But what do youwanthim to do?” Laney asks.
I feel the ugly face coming on. “Not be famous in the first place.”
It’s the truth.
And it’s not fair.
It’s not fair to ask him to not be who he is if he wants to be part of my life and part of Bash’s life.
And if he wasn’t famous—well.
Life would be a lot different right now, wouldn’t it?
We wouldn’t be hiding in my house or around Hayes’s house. We’d have lunch in the café. He’d go with me when it was time to drop off or pick up Bash at daycare. We’d paddleboard together on the lake. Take Bash on a train ride, leaving from the station at the lake.
Instead…instead, I feel like he’s my dirty secret.
And I’m starting to wonder if that’s how he feels too.
Laney and Sabrina share another look.
“Whatever it is, just say it,” I tell them.
“If you’re prepared for public attention, will it be as bad?” Laney asks.
“What you went through was awful,” Sabrina adds. “I won’t ever minimize that. This is not any of us making light of the impact of that video on your life and on your mental health. This is us asking if there’s benefit to taking advantage of the kind of media training that you and Bash will likely both need before he’s fully grown, no matter what.”
“He looks so much like Jonas,” Laney says. “And we know you won’t hide the truth from him when he’s old enough tounderstand. Once he’s grown up…isn’t it better if he’s prepared too? Can you imagine if one of your parents had been even moderately famous? How that would’ve impacted you and Theo?”
I shudder.
