I squeeze her knee. I get it. I need to work through feeling irrational sometimes too. I wish she didn’t, and letting her sit with her feelings isone of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do as a mother, but I know she’s right.
She needs to work through this on her own. “Okay. Let me know when you want me to talk you off the edge.”
“I don’t know if I can be good anymore.Offside.I was freakingoffside. And I don’t know who’ll hate me for taking their place in the spring if I make the team and they don’t. I don’t know who liked mebecauseI wasn’t a threat when I was just the stupid equipment manager and who’ll turn on me if I get to play.”
Scratch that thing about letting her hurt being the hardest thing ever. Biting my tongue to keep from telling her that I will personally destroy any child who dares to be an asshole to her after all she’s done for them is harder.
And facing that I am not, in fact, heading home to prep myself for a night of wild monkey sex with Flint while Junie was supposed to be at a sleepover isn’t the greatest.
Especially after the way he just went full-onYou were the linchpin to our team and didn’t even know iton her.
Is it wrong that watching a man be amazing to your kid makes you want to jump his bones even more?
Dammit.
NowI’mthe asshole.
I amsuchan asshole for thinking of my own physical wants when Junie’s in so much pain, and no amount ofSeeing my child hurt makes me hurt and want to feel better toocan erase the guilt at thinking it.
“I love soccer,” she whispers. “It’s where I’mme. I don’t know if I’mmehere anymore. But I can’t bemeback in Cedar Rapids either. I don’t know if I’ll ever bemeagain.”
“Oh, baby.”
“I don’t want to go back. I don’t. I hate it there. I didn’t do anything wrong, and everyone treated me like it wasmyfault for what Grandma did, or like I have criminal genes and can’t be trusted. Like it’smyfault I was born into our family.”
My throat goes tight, and my eyes dampen again. Have to get home.Have to get home.I can do this. “It’s not your fault, Junie.”
“Iwantto like it here. I do. But it’s just—it’s hard. It’s so hard, Mom. Why is it so hard? And don’t sayLife’s hard sometimesorYou’ll be so much stronger for having gone through this. I don’t care if it’s true. It feels like shit. It feels like absolute shit.”
I open my mouth and shut it six times before I find anything worthwhile to say, and even when I do, it doesn’t feel right. Just slightly more right than anything else. “Want to go throw axes at the side of the bunkhouse? I found rotting wood in the floorboards. Might as well take that down too.”
She sob-laughs.
I’ll take it as a win. “I want you to know how grateful I am that you’ve been so amazing through this move,” I tell her quietly. “I know it’s been hard on you. I know it sucks. If I could wave a wand and make it easier—”
“Stop, Mom.” She sniffles. “It’s hard on you too. I know it. And I know Grandma was runningyourfake homeowners’ association too. I know she stole from you too. And I know you’re putting half of what you get from Dad aside to try to help her pay it all back.”
I’m so startled I actually jerk the car when I look at her. “How—”
“I know your passwords,” she mutters. “And I don’t want you dating Coach Jackson because I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re infatuated. It’s not good for you in the condition you’re in.”
“If you think that’s going to distract me—”
“You’re infatuated with the first man to give you attention in a way Dad hasn’t in years, and it’s not good for you. He’s a total player. Everyone knows it.”
“Who’severyone?”
“Everyone, Mom. The students. The teachers. The principal. Regina at Iron Moose. Ms.Charlotte.Coach Jackson.He was fired from his last job for sleeping with a student’s parent.”
“How do you know all of this?”
“We’re teenagers, Mom. Everyone’s sex life is basically all we gossip about.”
I whimper.
The theory of knowing teenagersdo thingsand the reality of having my daughter gossiping about people’s sex lives are two different things.
“I’m not having sex, Mom,” she grumbles. “There’s no one worth sleeping with. They’re all too immature, and I’m out of here in a couple of years, so why bother getting attached?”
