And for the record—if I thought Cooper hugs were good, they’re nothing compared to Cooper’s talents with his tongue.
20
From the text messages of the Rock Family
Cooper:Having sex is my baseball superstition.
Mom: Oh, honey, you know you don’t need your penis to play baseball. This is all in your head.
Pop: Got an old pirate cure for that.
Tillie Jean: EW. God. Why would you—wait. WAIT. OH MY GOD. You’re serious. You haven’t been out with the guys in months, and your game is getting a little saggy, and I thought it was because you’re getting old, but wait again. Do you need some medical intervention?
Max: I hate that I believe this.
Dad: Don’t listen to them, son. Any of them. Including your penis if it’s telling you that you can’t play without it. You don’t need superstitions. You’re Cooper Fucking Rock.
Tillie Jean: 1. Dad, please don’t stroke his ego. 2. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT OTHER PLACES THAT NEED TO BE STROKED IF THIS IS TRUE AND GRRRRROOOOOOOOSSSSSSS.
Grady: It’s only true if you believe him. I don’t.
Annika: But if he’s not going out with the guys and his game’s shit…
Mom: Annika! That’s not how we build him up. I thought we got over this town rivalry thing and you support him now.
Grady: Do NOT come after my wife on that one, Mom. Cooper’s game IS shit. And Annika’s spending every minute of her waking hours feeding and burping and changing YOUR grandson. Back. Off.
Dad: Don’t take it personally, Annika. Libby worries about her kids, and Cooper’s had it rough for a few years. Not that you haven’t. I know you’ve had it rough too. But Cooper’s… ah. You know what? I’m not gonna finish that. Love you, Annika. You’re the daughter I never had.
Tillie Jean: OH MY GOD.
Dad: The OTHER daughter I never had, next to the daughter I DO have, who’s amazing.
Mom: How about we talk about Cooper’s sex life some more?
Grady: No.
Tillie Jean: No.
Annika: No.
Max: Where IS Cooper? He’s gone silent.
Pop: Hopefully he’s getting some.
Grady: Can I leave this conversation too?
Annika: I have to go feed Miles. And I’d rather watch a reality TV show about wannabe porn stars than talk about Cooper’s sex life. So maybe everyone who wants to continue this conversation can start a new group text without me?
Grady: It’s my turn. It’s my turn to feed Miles. You go to bed, honey. I’ve got the baby. And not this group text message, which I’m deleting RIGHT NOW.
Tillie Jean: Do NOT include me in the new family chat, please.
Pop: Family has to support family in its time of need.
Max: And to think, I used to wonder what I was missing with not having a normal family.
Tillie Jean: This isn’t the normal part of our family. This is… crisis mode. Also, who was that hiding under the table? I feel like I recognized the bouncers, but I can’t place them.
