Baseball Cheater: It’s fine. I mean, it’s not, but that’s what my security team is for. It’s fine.
Cooper: That is NOT fine.
Baseball Cheater: I know, but it’s normal.
Cooper: ALSO NOT FINE.
Baseball Cheater: And I repeat: that’s what security is for.
Cooper: The fact that I’m jazzercising in the middle of the park dressed like Richard Simmons and don’t need security while you do because you have cool knuckles is messed up.
Baseball Cheater: Go back to the part about the new mascot costumes and the fanfic. What fanfic and what new mascots? I thought that was over.
Cooper: Seriously? You haven’t heard about the Fiery the Dragon fanfic? It’s the biggest thing to hit the internet since that video that took Bro Code viral back in the day. Hold on. You need a sample.
Baseball Cheater: The MASCOTS, Cooper. The MASCOTS.
Cooper: Management will kill me, and they LOVE me, so you know it’s serious if they’d kill me if I tell. But you can trust them. They won’t be pulling another poo ball or obscenely-genitaliaed mascot out of their pockets.
Baseball Cheater: You really don’t have any self-esteem issues, do you?
Cooper: Look, this is my favorite bit from the Fiery fanfic: “Fiery the Dragon, the once-powerful, unstoppable mascot force behind the Fireballs’ heart, was suddenly conflicted. For the first time in his life, he’d seen something he could see himself loving more than baseball. Her name was Brimstone, and she hated him.” Isn’t that awesome?
Baseball Cheater: My English tutor’s eyeballs would’ve twitched at the repetition of see/seen in that sentence.
Cooper: Yeah, but for fanfic, it’s good, right?
Baseball Cheater: I’ve read better fanfic. Is the whole thing like that?
Cooper: The whole thing is AWESOME, even though it’s not done yet. I can’t wait for the next episode. Fireballs fans are the best. And yes, we’d have to throw down and wrestle in a vat of Fireball red Jell-O if you try to say your Braverlies are the best.
Baseball Cheater: You still have the Jell-O fantasies, I see.
Cooper: What can I say? Once a Jell-O wrestling addict, always a Jell-O wrestling addict. I’m not that different these days. Just have a little more pressure to win. That’s it.
Baseball Cheater: Okay. You’ve convinced me. We can talk in person.
Cooper: Well, yeah. That’s a given. I’m bringing dessert. And dinner. And wine. Do you drink wine when no one’s looking, or do people still think you’re nineteen and perfect and would never do something as normal as drink a little alcohol?
Waverly: TALKING. Just talking. I looked at your schedule, and we have an overlap in Denver on Thursday night. Can you meet me after your game?
Cooper: When you say “TALKING”…?
Baseball Cheater: *link to a gossip website with a picture of Cooper and Waverly standing over home plate at Duggan Field with the caption THE DOWNFALL OF A POP STAR?*
Cooper: Wow. You really sold your love of baseball. That reporter should know baseball might break your heart, but it’ll also put it back together.
Baseball Cheater: They’re talking about your reputation. And the sad truth is, if we get caught talking, and then you go off and hang out with other women, I’ll get painted as a high-maintenance man-killer despite your reputation for a short attention span when it comes to women, and the tabloids will go mad again. So. Talking. TALKING. In secret. I’ll let you know what to do when it’s time.
Cooper: *wincing emoji* You don’t mince the truth. Mad respect.
Baseball Cheater: If it was only me I was worried about, I’d say who cares and do whatever I want. I could literally go buy a private tropical island tomorrow and live there singing songs to myself and my cat for the rest of my life. Except for the part where I’d get lonely. I don’t like being lonely. And I think my gifts are meant to be shared, not hidden. And I don’t think I’d really belong there. Not that I have any clue where I do belong. Also, I’m twenty-seven freaking years old. Anyone who still expects me to be a saint all hours of the day is ridiculous. I get to live my life too. But half of my schedule right now is supporting a young musician that I believe in with every bit of my being while she launches her own career, and being seen with someone labeled as “the wrong person” after the disaster that was my break-up with Geofferson is a bigger story that would overshadow Aspen’s career launch. I won’t do that to her, and honestly, I don’t want to live through all of the WAVERLY IS SUCH A BITCH coverage again either. It’s not you. It’s the world I live in. I couldn’t talk to half the single, eligible, age-appropriate royalty in the world in public either, if it helps.
Cooper: People have no appreciation for dating dudes who like sheep anymore.
Baseball Cheater: What?
Cooper: Oh. Never mind. Thought we knew the same royalty.
