Yolanda nods while her mother mouthsOh my God,I’m sorry.
“I am the world’s fastest pee-er.” I screw up my face and look at Calista. “Is that a word? Pee-er?”
“It is now,” Calista replies. “How fast can you pee?”
“So I have, like, about forty-five seconds for costume changes between sets, and I have this signal for my team if I need to use the bathroom, so they know to follow me straight to the toilet if I need a break between sets, right?” I look back at Yolanda. “I have to change costumes so fast that I have people helping me pull off one outfit and put the other on and I have to pee in front of them.”
She wrinkles her nose in horror.
The audience laughs uncomfortably.
But you know what?
No one’s laughing at Yolanda.
“We only recommend that when you’re over eighteen and give consent for people to watch you and help you change clothes,” Calista says.
“Oh, for sure,” I agree. “There are only about six people in my life that I’d trust to help me with costume changes.”
“My cousins helped me pee when I got married,” Calista says. “Do you know how hard it is to pee in a wedding dress?”
“I do, actually.”
“Back up, back up.” She smiles at Yolanda. “Hold two seconds, sweetie, because we need to find out when Waverlygot married.”
“Oh, no, I didn’t get married. It’s for my next video. And I am probably in a ton of trouble for saying that.”
“Psh. You’re the boss.”
“Good point. We shot that video in this plane that makes it feel like you’re in space. I had to take three practice flights on it first so we’d be sure I wouldn’t throw up, andthenI had to pee mid-flight, when we were shooting, while I was in the dress, and do you know how small airplane bathrooms are?”
“Was it one of those dresses with the massive skirts?”
“I had like six crinolines on underneath this thing. I barely fit in the airplane bathroom by myself, and my aunt’s there yellingdon’t let the hem touch the floor, and my publicist was on her first flight, so she’d actually puked already, but she was guarding the door because we couldn’t close it and there were cameras everywhere, and video of me stuffed into an airplane bathroom, peeing in a wedding dress is thelastthing anyone wants to see.”
I make a face.
The audience laughs. I realizethatwill be the clip about me all over the internet in approximately six hours, and you know what?
Fuck it.
Yolanda’s beaming at me like I’m her hero.
Totally worth it.
“Okay, now that we’ve grossed everyone out talking about bodily fluids, next question.” Calista turns to a brown-skinned teenager wearing a T-shirt from my last tour who’s standing in the next aisle. “What’s your name, sweetie?”
“Hi, I’m Hayami,” she replies.
“Hi, Hayami.” I smile at her too. “Oh my gosh, is that glitter on your boots? Those are amazing. Where’s my stylist? Is she backstage? We need these boots in our lives.”
“For real?” Hayami asks. “My cousin says glitter boots are over.”
“Glitter boots will never be over as long as I have breath in my body. We’re gonna be eighty-year-old ladies rocking the glitter boots together. Own what you love.”
Her smile lights up the whole studio. “I have a question.”
“Go right ahead.”
