Cooper: Totally get where you’re coming from with keeping a stock of antacids on hand. Jesus. How do you live like this?
Waverly: Practice. And faith that the good I’m doing in the world outweighs the bad that comes with the job. Where are you? We could video chat…
Cooper: *selfie of himself on an airplane with a bunch of sleeping teammates around him*
Waverly: You look tired.
Cooper: I miss you. Kinda wish I’d punched that asshole so that I would’ve gotten suspended and had a few days off to come see you.
Waverly: No, you don’t. You handled it exactly the way you should’ve, and that was even better than stupid caveman antics. Thank you for wearing my nail polish, by the way. That was really sweet.
Cooper: All Diego’s idea. He’s pissed that they’re so relentless they even attacked the color of your new nail polish, he almost couldn’t smile for an entire minute before he declared the whole team was painting our nails for good luck tonight. Management’s putting him front and center for all of the media calls this week so he can be the one ranting about societal norms and assholes. Also, they’ve informed me I can’t even record my usual advice bits for the kids until I get my emotions under control. Apparently telling kids to kick reporters in the knees if they say bad things about pop stars isn’t Fireballs-sanctioned advice.
Waverly: Deep breaths. This will pass. It always does.
Cooper: Sorry I’m being an ass all over again. I just—FUCK. I feel so helpless right now.
Waverly: Sometimes the right thing is ignoring what’s wrong. Take joy in knowing that Diego will get a chance to shine here. It’s good experience for him. Especially since a cutie-patootie like him will most definitely be getting a few phone numbers from people in my world.
Cooper: He’s a really good dude. I should warn him against anyone who tries to tell him he’s not good enough. And I swear, that wasn’t shade. I know everyone in your circles wants what they see as best for you.
Waverly: I should write a song about him.
Cooper: *side eye emoji* Do I need to worry about something?
Waverly: Only that I stealth-ordered myself a new waterproof vibrator and I’m trying it out in the tub tonight by myself.
Cooper: *sweating emoji* I take it all back. You’re evil incarnate. You know I’m on a damn airplane with my entire team right now? That selfie? REAL TIME.
Waverly: The Cooper Rock I’ve heard about from his sister wouldn’t be embarrassed by a natural physical reaction to the idea of his girlfriend naked and pleasuring herself.
Cooper: I’m not embarrassed. I’m frustrated as hell. Popping a boner? It happens to all of us. Rubbing one out on the team plane? Crossing a line. Crossing. A. Line.
Waverly: I’d say this is why I have a private tour bus and my own plane, but you know a little too much about where my interests haven’t been for the past year.
Cooper: Until now?
Waverly: Very much until now. *winking emoji*
Cooper: *dead emoji*
Waverly: When do you land?
Cooper: Three hours.
Waverly: *selfie, pouting, surrounded by bubbles*
Cooper: Be honest. Is this revenge for the tabloids today?
Waverly: Nope. I’m just lonely and there haven’t been any new Love on Fire episodes and yesterday’s Who’s Your Family? was super depressing and probably how my story would end if I ever met my sperm donor, and I’m thinking about you and really wishing that when I had my palm read at my label’s anniversary party last year, that I would’ve listened when she told me I’d be happy if I gave it all up and went to live on a mountain.
Cooper: Seriously?
Waverly: She also said I’d one day have a dog named Fluffy, my mother was secretly a reincarnated toad, and that if I sent her four bitcoin, she’d show me where the government hides the aliens, so I assumed she wasn’t reliable all around.
Cooper: Did you send the bitcoin?
Waverly: Yes, and I ended up with a treasure map that led me to the bulk nut section at the Whole Foods in Beverly Hills.
