When he opens his eyes, they’re red. It barely makes a dent in my fury.
“Nothing excuses the way I treated you, so it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me!”
There’s a moment of silence in which he watches me with pained eyes.
“Tell me,” I hiss. “I want to know. Ideserveto know why my entire childhood was reduced to a steaming pile of shit because of you.”
His eyes meet mine, glassy and devoid of any spark. “I was scared.”
Scared?What did Sawyer Strong have to be scared of?
He shakes his head again and then, evenly, he says, “Iwas scared of people finding out how I really felt about you. I was sure it was obvious to anyone who looked that I only wanted to be aroundyou.” He lets out another hollow laugh. “I can’t believe you didn’t know. It only got worse as we got older. By high school, I was desperate for you. And I knew I couldn’t have you. You never even guessed that night I drove you home? Or when we danced at prom?” His voice cracks on the last word.
My jaw drops, and I’m positive shock is written all over my face. I’d felt something in those moments, too. On the drive. At prom. Those months in between when my crush blossomed into something untenable. It was something I only ever admitted to myself late at night, when the whispers in my head were loudest. I thought I might have even been a little crazy to have feelings for him, after everything he’d done. I even acted a little crazy—keeping his jacket after the drive in the rain and pulling it out some nights just to prove it really happened, sleeping with it.
Even though the deepest parts of me wished he returned my feelings, I never believed he ever could. Because you don’t treat someone the way Sawyer treated me if you like them.
Suddenly, I understand. Sawyer was ashamed to have feelings for me. Sawyer was the Prince of Blue Ridge, and I was vermin by comparison. And that’s why he was a jerk.
Anger sparks to life again as I realize exactly what he’s saying. “So you didn’t want the town to know you were interested in the girl from the wrong side of the tracks.” It isn’t a question.
Pain flashes in his eyes.
I don’t care. Why should I care about his pain right now?
“It wasn’t that simple,” he says.
“Then spell it out for me. Why were you so scared—soashamed—of your feelings that you had to be cruel to me instead?”
He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes before meeting my gaze. “Take your pick. The town. My friends. My dad.” He lets out a long sigh. “My dad’s such an asshole. He was trying to raise me to be like him. Even as a little fucking kid, he made it clear it was heresy for me to play with anyone whose name wasn’t Whitaker or Darvish, or any of the other families he deemedgoodbecause of their income bracket or what they could do for him. It was a lot of pressure.” He looks far away now. “Sometimes I wonder if the difference between Will and me is how much more time he got with our mom, if that’s why he didn’t cave into it like I did.”
Sawyer’s mom died when he was young, like mine. And I only knew of Sawyer’s dad as the mayor, but he was disliked in my neighborhood. Labeled an untrustworthy classist snake.
“There was no questioning my dad,” Sawyer goes on. “No standing up to him. His word was canon.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I knew from the first time I saw you that I liked you. I wanted to be your friend immediately. When my dad discovered my interest in ‘a Casey’” —he uses air quotes— “he made it clear it was unacceptable.” His voice turns into a dark growl. “I should’ve told him to go to hell from the start.”
I let out a disbelieving sound. “You should’ve told him to go to hell when you were in kindergarten?”
“Even then I knew it was wrong. When I finally did tell him off, it was too late.”
“What does that mean?” As far as I can tell, Sawyer is still very much the Prince of Blue Ridge he always was.
He scrubs his hands down his face. “After prom, everything I did to you fully sank in. I was disgusted with myself. A mess for a while. All I wanted was to escape. I enlisted in the Navy just to do something that was completely my own choice. I’ve never seen my dad so angry.” He shakes his head and meets my eyes. “He had plans for me, you know? And enlisting wasn’t it. He threatened to cut me off if I didn’t undo it.”
I’m stunned. Sawyer became a SEAL. I know that. Even so, I can’t help asking, “What’d you do?”
“I handed over the keys to my truck. Left that night with one bag.”
I draw in a deep breath. It feels like the first in a while. In my wildest dreams, I never considered Sawyer might have carried the weight of what happened between us. I’d always assumed he was unaffected. Proud, maybe, but remorseful? Never.
My voice comes out small when I ask, “You defied your dad and left . . . because of me?” Something inside me begins to thaw. Something I didn’t even know was there. My hands start to shake, and I clench them tight.
His eyes hold mine. “Because of what I did to you. I wanted to be different. Someone who’d never hurt someone else just to save myself, especially not the woman I care about. Even though I never had you, I needed to learn to be the kind of man who could stand up for you no matter what. Not tear you down.” He swallows hard. “Like at prom.”
That memory is the most raw. It stings, and I can’t hold back my choked sound as it surfaces. The giddy anticipation as I slid my hand into Sawyer’s, the ignorant bliss of dancing with him. Then, the way he pushed me away, the eyes on me at the gym. His words.
I thought I’d give her a taste of the good life. It’s all downhill from here for trash like her.
