I swallow the lump in my throat. “I was always so scared someone would find out. Every time I couldn’t pay a bill, every time I had to bail out our dad, I worried someone would figure it out.”
Sawyer’s thumb traces over my knuckles, but I ignore the sensation, focusing on the words.
“I had to hide everything from everyone, all the time.”
This was something Gia, Mara, and I discussed over and over again this past week. I cut myself off from everyone because it was how I operated for so long. It was a survival skill drummed into me at an early age that I’d never let go of. Except now, it was doing damage, hurting relationships with people I love, people I want to let in.
“My dad, our rundown house, my second-hand clothes—I was ashamed of all of it.”
“You were akid, Brie.” Sawyer’s voice holds so much anger that I can’t help looking up. His eyes are dark, jaw clenched. “You had nothing to be ashamed of.Nothing.”
This time, it’s easier to hold his gaze. Something about his words take away some of my fear, makes it easier to admit the next part. “I’m still ashamed. It’s like when you talked about those sodas at the Chateau Brume picnics. I was embarrassed to tell you I never tasted them because I’d never been to one. My dad would never take a day off drinking to take us to one, and I wouldn’t have wanted him to anyway because he would’ve made a fool out of all of us.”
“Christ, Brie. I wish I’d known.”
I give him a faint smile. “What would you have done? Nothing. At least not back then, you had your own problems to deal with.”
“Fuck that,” he spits. “I could’ve made your life easier, rather than harder. I could’ve helped you. Instead, Itortured you, made it so even school wasn’t a safe place for you.” His mouth is a tight slash on his face as he surges to his feet. “I even took the last connection you had to your mom.” He jabs a finger toward Squeakers as he starts pacing.
“But you kept her,” I say, shoving Squeakers toward him. “You didn’t do what your friends wanted because you were too good for that.”
He’s shaking his head, barely listening. “How the fuck can you even stand to look at me?”
“Because you were going through a lot back then too. We both know that. And . . .” I take a deep breath. “Because I love you.”
He stops dead in his tracks, his back to me, shoulders tense. “What did you just say?”
“I love you.”
When he turns, I see the hope on his face beneath the outrage. “You shouldn’t . . .”
“Doesn’t matter,” I tell him. “It’s done. You showed me who you are, and I love you for it. My whole life, I was afraid of letting someone get too close. I was afraid of needing someone. But, Sawyer, I’m not afraid anymore.” The second the words come out, I know it’s true. I’m not afraid of this.
He hesitates for the briefest of moments before stomping to me and dropping to his knees, bowing his head so his forehead rests on my lap. I lay Squeakers on the bed and bury my fingers in his hair. He shudders.
After a moment, he looks up, eyes rimmed red. “I love you, too. You have no idea how much. I will spend the rest of my life showing you every day just how much I love you.” His eyes dim. “And how sorry I am.”
My fingers flex, tugging his hair. “Don’t. Let it lie. The truth is, I always knew who you were deep down. I always had feelings for you. A part of me always loved you.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t say that,” he whispers. “You don’t have to say that, Brie.”
“It’s true.” I reach for the JanSport. “Let me show you.”
CHAPTER 50
SAWYER
As she unzips the bag,the one I recognize as hers from school, gray fabric appears from inside. It’s so familiar.
But it’s impossible.
She reaches in and pulls the garment out all the way. My mouth drops open.
My letterman jacket. I was sure she trashed it years ago.
I can’t breathe as I watch her bring it to her nose and visibly inhale. “It doesn’t smell like you anymore,” she says. “But it did for a long time. I kept it under my bed, and on the worst nights, I’d reach for it. It helped me sleep. It’s the only thing I kept with me from my life in Blue Ridge.”
My heart stutters in my chest, a dull ache forming there.
