This isn’t about how I feel.
“Okay,” I say, tabling my rage for the moment. “What do you need?”
She nods, like she’s gearing herself up to say something she rehearsed. “I need us to be professional at school. I don’t want to give anyone a reason to accuse me of . . . anything.”
I eye her for a moment before standing upright. If that’s all, I’m happy to give it to her. But does this mean she thinks I might betray her like Christopher did? My chest tightens and I want to throw up.I’d never.
Then I remember how I acted when she first arrived. Unpredictable. She didn’t know I was fighting my own feelings for her. It probably messed with her mind, made her wary. Not to mention our twisted history.
And that son of a bitch did such a number on Brie, I can’t believe she ever gave me a chance. She might not have if it wasn’t for the blizzard.
A cold fear chills me to my bones.I could’ve lost her before this even started.
I can’t ruin this. I’ll do anything to make her feel safe with me.But how?How do I have Brie feeling safe after everything she’s been through?
“Okay,” I say. “I know it might be hard to believe, given” —I let out a frustrated sigh at my younger self— “given who I used to be. But I’ll never hurt you.”
“I do believe that,” she says quickly. And even though she says it without hesitation, I can’t help feeling like she’s holding herself back just a little. Even though she’s fully justified in it, it still sends a pang of helplessness through me.
I fight the urge to pull her to me and holdher, kiss her until she knows how much she means to me, that I would never,couldnever, hurt her.
But that would prove the exact opposite after everything she just revealed. She asked for one thing, so I keep myself planted firmly against my desk, maintaining the distance between us. All I want right now is to prove she can trust me.
“Good,” I say hoarsely. “Because it’s true. I will never hurt you.”
The air shifts between us, and she sighs. “I believe you.”
I quirk a smile, peering at her. “You could tell me right now how disgusting you find me, and I swear it’ll never affect your job.”
She exhales on a laugh, and something like mirth dances in her eyes. “Oh, I could never insult my boss.”
“Please,” I tease back, “I’ll even reward you for it.” For the first time all day, my muscles start to relax.
She lets out a loud mock-sigh of relief. “Good, because just the sight of you makes me want to throw up.”
“Full marks on your performance review.”
“Also,” she continues, “the sound of your voice makes me gag.”
“Let me find my checkbook,” I say, “I need to write you a bonus.”
“Don’t get me started on how you smell,” she says, holding her nose with exaggerated revulsion.
“Here,” I hand her the nameplate on my desk, “take my job. I insist.”
“And that cabin of yours,” she says. “Sogauche.”
“That’s too far. You’re fired.”
She rewards me with the best sound in the world, her laughter.
CHAPTER 38
BRIE
We weavethrough the crowd at the Persian New Year festival to find someplace to eat the food we just bought. Every inch of free space is occupied—benches, grass, the large steps surrounding the clocktower. It’s the first time Sawyer and I have spent time together outside school since the blizzard.
At school we’ve been the paragon of professionalism, everything more or less the same, if friendlier. But here, our hands brush as we walk, his hand hovers over my back as we navigate past people, we lean into each other to be heard. I know I should feel nervous about people seeing us like this, but my happiness over spending time with him eclipses everything else.
