His hand goes to the back of his neck and he nods, eyes dimming. “Whatever you want.”
He thinks this is about him. My stomach churns.
There are two choices: I can keep on like this, tell him I want to be professional without giving him any context. Or, I can tell him about Christopher, every mortifying, humiliating detail.
An image of Sawyer in his cabin solidifies in my mind, red eyes blinking rapidly as he relived the ghosts of his past in an effort to be honest with me, apologized for actions provoked by pressure too complicated for a child to parse on his own.
I don’t know what it took to do that. The thought of revealing my own deeply-buried traumas, even to Sawyer, is like injecting ice straight into my veins.
Telling him about Christopher is cake by comparison.
I swallow.
Be brave.
Stepping forward, I say, “Sawyer?”
His eyes search mine. “Yeah?”
I open my mouth when Tess’s voice cuts in. “Hey, guys!”
Her grin is wide as her sparkling eyes travel from my face to Sawyer’s.
Licking my lips, I open my mouth again, but this time Señora Martinez’s tinny voice comes through the loud speaker by the alcove to the door. “Principal Strong, you’re needed in the main office. Principal Strong, you’re needed in the main office.” Then, “Sawyer, you’re three minutes late.”
“We’ll talk later?” Sawyer asks, concern painted over his face.
I inhale, and when I let it out, I put on my teacher-smile. “Yes. I will talk to you later.”
Tess is already at the teachers’ lounge when I arrive for lunch. The tornado that ensues after a long unplanned break made it impossible for us to have a conversation this morning, which is why I spent the last few hours spiraling about what, exactly, to tell her.
When she notices me at the door, she prances toward me.
“Whatdid I witness this morning?” she asks. “Because I’m pretty sure it looked like you and Sawyer were . . .touching. Like, in a kissing sort of way.”
“What?!” My voice is three octaves too high.
She shrugs. “Before you pushed him away.”
I wish there was a shark tank somewhere in Blue Ridge that I could throw myself into, it would be less painful than this. This isn’t how the rumors about me started at Everett Academy, but it’s close enough.
But Tess wouldn’t betray me like that, would she? As far as I can tell, no one’s heard about me making out with Funny Bunny in my classroom.
Knowing this, and how Tess shared with me about her ex, I sense a connection with her I’m not used to. It’s enough to consider telling her everything. About my history with Sawyer, his confession at his cabin, my worries that I’m repeating history.
I almost do it. I open my mouth, the words in my throat.
But I quickly swallow them down, the enormity of what happened at the cabin comes crashing down on me like an avalanche for the hundredth time today.
I, Brie Casey, social pariah and generally deplored citizen, slept with Sawyer Strong, beloved principal and town treasure. Sure,hemay have paved his own path in the eyes of his dad, but the town doesn’t know that. They all still adore him.
Tess watches me expectantly.
“Um,” I blather as I walk to the microwave.
I pull out my lunch, leftovers Sawyer and I cooked together yesterday, and an errant thought hits me:I wonder if he’s eating his right now.An ache forms in my chest, and it takes me a second to realize what it is. I miss him.
Focus, I tell myself. This is how I’ve operated all morning, and it’s driving me insane. If I’m not anxious over him then I’m missing him.
