Blessed, peaceful darkness.
And the steady rhythm of two hearts beating in sync with mine.
Chapter 41
NIKOLAI
The shower'sscalding enough to strip paint, but I don't turn down the heat.
Steam billows around me, thick enough to choke on, and I let it. Let the water pound against my shoulders until my skin's red and raw, until maybe it'll wash away the other alpha's honeyed scent on my skin because I'm not ready for the world to know about what happened last night. The feel of Raven trembling beneath me, the sound of Cosima's breathless commands, the way they both looked at me like I was something other than the monster I know I am.
Fuck.
I press my forehead against the tile, watching the water spiral down the drain. But the memories don't wash away as easily.
Raven's tight heat around my cock. The way he gasped my name. The way Cosima watched us with those violet eyes, pupils blown wide with lust and something that looked dangerously close to affection.
I should regret fucking him, even if it was for her.
Should be planning how to pretend it never happened, how to rebuild the walls between us that I've spent years reinforcing. But standing here in the steam and silence, all I can think about is how fuckingrightit felt. How the three of us fit together like pieces of a puzzle I didn't even know was incomplete.
Dangerous fucking thoughts.
Especially now that she knows I love her. I thought it was obvious enough, with me following her across the wastelands like a lovesick junkyard dog, but apparently my omega is as stubborn as any of us.
She didn't say it back. Of course she didn't. I didn't expect she would last night, or that she ever will. Even if she did love me, I don't think she's the type to say it. To let herself be that vulnerable with anyone, let alone an alpha, and gods know she doesn't have reason to, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't have toloveme. She just needs to exist, and the only way I can make sure of that is to take this step toward freeing her from her father's control.
The fact that she trusts me enough for that means more than those three little words anyway.
I turn off the water, the sudden silence almost louder than the spray. Grab a towel—silk, because of course it is, this pretentious fucking palace doesn't do anything halfway—and dry off roughly. I reach instinctively for the sink only to find empty space where something familiar should be.
Fuck.
My glass eye.
I took it out last night before we fell asleep and left it in its case inside the dresser drawer. But I forgot to bring it with me to the shower.
And now I'm standing here with my empty eye socket on full display.
The scarring around it is worse than the rest of my face. Puckered and angry, the kind of damage that makes people flinch when they see it. My eyelids look fucked without the glass eye supporting them, drooping and empty, the tissue in the socket a wet pink. I've spent years perfecting the art of not giving a shit what people think, but Cosima...
I don't want her to see this.
Not yet. Maybe never.
I grab the towel, drying my face roughly while keeping my bone-white hair strategically positioned over the left side. It's longer than I usually keep it—haven't had time for a proper cut in weeks—and it falls just right to hide the worst of the damage.
Karma's a bitch. Here I am, giving Geo shit about his eyepatch, and now I'm doing the same fucking thing.
When I step back into the bedroom, Cosima's awake. Of course she is. She's curled up in a nest of silk sheets like some kind of fairy tale princess. Her silver hair's spread across the pillow, catching the morning light filtering through the gauzy curtains.
She's beautiful.
Fucking devastating, actually.
And she's got that look on her face.
The one that says she's up to something.
