"So," I finally mutter, scrubbing a hand down stubble that's probably a hell of a lot grayer than it was this morning, "About that truce…"
Chapter 36
COSIMA
The palace corridorsfeel like they're closing in on me as Azarel leads me deeper into his childhood home. Each step feels like the ticking of a clock counting down to the moment I've been waiting for.
Now that it's finally arrived, I'm not ready.
He stops at an ornate door inlaid with mother-of-pearl that shimmers in the light like rainbow oil slicks, adorned with the same elegant ibis that features in every room of the palace I've been in, however subtly. He pushes the door open to reveal a breathtaking indoor garden. It's an atrium, glass ceiling soaring above us to let in the dying sunlight, and every surface is covered in plants I've never seen before. Flowers that glow in the dim light, vines that twist in impossible patterns, trees bearing jewel-like fruit.
It's beautiful.
And I hate that it's beautiful. I hate that any part of me can still appreciate beauty when everything feels so fucking broken.
"This was my favorite place as a child," he says quietly, moving to stand beside a fountain shaped like intertwining serpents. The water that pours from their mouths is crystal clear, tinkling like wind chimes. I find myself instinctively looking for the ibis, but it's nowhere to be found in this room, of all places. "I'd come here when I needed to get away."
"How nice for you," I say, my voice flat as old roadkill. "Having a pretty garden to hide in when King Daddy was mean."
He flinches, and good. He should flinch. He should feel every ounce of the bitter poison that's been festering in my chest since I found out the truth.
"Cosima—"
"I'm listening." I cross my arms, putting as much distance between us as the space allows without actually leaving. "That's what you wanted, isn't it? To explain yourself? So explain."
He turns to face me fully, and I can see him registering all the ways I've changed. The harder edges, the way I hold myself like I'm ready to fight at any moment, the complete absence of the soft, trusting girl who used to melt at his touch.
"You're different," he says finally, and there's something like loss in his voice.
A harsh laugh escapes me. "Yeah, well, months in the wasteland thinking no one's coming for you will do that."
He grimaces, hands clenching at his sides like he wants to reach for me but knows better. I notice the bandages on his right hand for the first time, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't from Knight. Did he get hurt before he came here? I have to shake off the urge to give a shit. "I've been trying to reach you this entire time."
"Sure you have."
"I have." He steps closer, and I hate that his scent still makes my stomach flutter. Sunlight and warmth and everything I thought was safe. "Every resource at my disposal, every connection, every favor I could call in. I've been searching."
"Just not very hard, apparently." It's impossible to keep the bitterness out of my voice, so I give up trying. "When you want something, you get it."
His jaw tightens, but he doesn't rise to the bait. Instead, he moves closer still, close enough that I have to tilt my head back to maintain eye contact. His bandaged hand comes up slowly, telegraphing the movement like I'm a spooked animal, and cups my face with a gentleness that fuckinghurts.
"Everything I have done," he says, his voice rough with what might be emotion if I believed he was capable of it anymore. "Everything I will do until my dying breath… is for you, Cosima."
The words twist the knife that's been lodged in my chest ever since he left me. I want to believe them. Goddess help me, I want to believe them so fucking badly it makes my teeth ache. But the walls I've built are stronger than whatever hold he used to have on me, mortared with betrayal and reinforced with every lie he told.
I turn away, breaking the contact.
"I'm not the girl you remember."
"Cosima—"
"And I'm never going to be." The words come out harder than I intended, but fuck it. He needs to hear this. "That girl is dead. You killed her when you left her to rot."
The silence stretches between us like a taut wire. I can feel him behind me, the force of his gaze. When I finally turn back, he's doing something I never expected.
He's bowing.
Not just inclining his head like the casual respect he'd show a superior officer in my father's army. A full Surhiiran court bow, the kind you'd give to royalty.
