We both laughed. I said, “Yeah. I think he does that a lot…which is a big part of why I broke it all off.”
“But Braden—he’s a good guy, yeah?”
“He really is. He is the sweetest, most sensitive man I’veever met.” Tipping up my bottle, I took a long draw of the beer.
“But?”
Had she sensed that little catch inside me? ThatI-love-him-but-can-only-commit-ninety-nine-percentweight on my shoulders?
I’d been so honest with her up to this point—and it felt so freeing, as if I’d been in a cage for the better part of a decade and she was helping me learn to walk again outside its confines. So I decided to tell her things I was having a hard time telling myself. “Ishouldlove Braden body, heart, and soul. I should love him completely. He’s been the one man I’ve been able to trust, and he treats me like a princess.”
Roxy leaned forward again, almost in my face, her eyes twinkling. “But?”
“But…I don’t love him completely. Iwantto. God, I want to. He deserves nothing less.”
“Does he know you feel that way?’
“No. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Don’t you think he’ll find out eventually?”
I was silent for a moment as I pondered it. “I’m sure at some point I’ll fully embrace him. When we…first got together, I thought it was just a one-night thing. Zack had completely ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground, and set it on fire—and Braden was there to put out the flames, tend to my wounds, and make me feel loved more than I ever had. He’d seen everything Zack had done and knew exactly what I needed.”
“So what’s the catch?”
“I…I think on some level, I’m convinced Zack and I will get back together someday. But I know that’s the worst possible thing that could ever happen.”
“Has he indicated that it could?”
I took another drink, wishing now that we’d gotten a twelve-pack instead of six. But maybe it was better this way, baring my soul sober instead of drunk. Even if I regretted it in the morning, I would know I’d been of sound mind when I’d done it.
Well,mostlysound. After all, it wasn’t like the beers were non-alcoholic.
“Not exactly. But right after Braden and I hooked up, Zack asked me to not give up on him.”
“Hmm.”
I nodded. “I probably should have interpreted it as asking me not to give up on him as a friend—because he was in bad shape by that point. He’s…an alcoholic, and he was struggling during the third leg of our tour. So that might have been what he meant—but I got the feeling he was asking me to save my heart for him.”
“Oh, Jesus. So your heart—no logic involved—can’t fully commit to Braden because it’s waiting for Zack to wake the fuck up.”
“Yeah, I guess so. And I’m not sure how to make that last little bit let go.” Roxy shook her head, indicating that she didn’t have any advice for me. After polishing off the bottle, I said, “So I keep hanging on with Braden, letting myself feel gratitude and love for him every day—and, as much as my love for him has grown over the past couple of months, I believe with all my heart that he will eventually become my everything.”
“Oh. That’s so sweet.” Roxy finished her beer too. “We should have gotten more.”
“I was thinking the same thing!” After we laughed again, I was desperate to change the subject. After all, I’d been completely honest with her and myself, and it felt exhausting. “So what about you? Are you seeing anyone?”
“Kind of. I’m dating another reporter withFerocity—but he’s a bit of an asshole. Kind of like Zack. I need to find my own Braden.”
I smiled and impulsively leaned over and hugged her. “You will, Roxy. You deserve nothing less.”
“Same with you, girlfriend. You need to remind yourself of that.”
“Oh, I do. Every day.”
I just had to keep on believing…because, more than me, Braden was the one who deserved nothing less.
CHAPTER 12
