“A snowball fight? Did you win?” I asked, squatting down to her height and brushing her hair from her face.
“Yeah,” Noelle replied sarcastically. It almost sounded like, well duh, Mom, of course I won.
There was no doubt about it, she was definitely my daughter. A combination of sass and sweetness all rolled into one little adorable devil.
I coughed and thought a lung was going to come up.
“That doesn’t sound good,” Chris commented, pushing to his feet.
“It doesn’t feel all that great either,” I answered honestly.
Chris walked over to his desk and set the cards aside before grabbing me a bottle of water and the Nyquil. “Here. Hopefully this will help,” he offered.
“Thanks,” I accepted as he brushed past and out the door, leaving Noelle and me alone.
I took the medicine and gulped down the water before putting the cap back on the bottle. Before I sat it back on the desk, I ripped the label down the middle.
“Mom, why did you rip it?” Noelle asked.
“So I know which one’s mine. I don’t want you to drink out of my bottle and get sick,” I explained.
“Oh.”
“Why don't we go snuggle under the covers and you can tell me about your day?” I suggested, and Noelle instantly tugged on my hand.
Once we were snuggled down, the blankets tucked in tight, Noelle started blabbering about her day. Five minutes later, I knew every single detail, even if she did get derailed and go off track a few times. Even though my head throbbed and I felt like I’d swallowed a handful of razor blades, I couldn’t stop smiling. Noelle had had a great day and that was all that mattered. And I had Chris to thank for that. He’d made it a great day. He’d given her that and I just had to add it to the list of all the things I needed to repay this man for.
Noelle fell quiet with her head in my lap. I adjusted the blanket around her as I trailed my fingers through her hair. She was growing up so quickly, soon she wouldn’t want me around so I needed to make the most of the time I had. If only this terrible cold would go away.
I sniffed and wriggled my toes in my thick socks. It seemed no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep my feet warm. They were cold to the point of stinging.
“Mom?” Noelle asked, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, princess?”
“Why don’t I have a dad to play in the snow with me?”
Noelle’s words felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. I knew this conversation was coming at some point, but I hadn’t been expecting it now. Not today.
I swallowed deeply, buying time as I measured my words.
“Sweetheart, your dad would’ve loved to play in the snow with you. He would have built you a snowman, helped drag you up the hill on your sled, and laid down and made snow angels with you until your lips turned blue and I made you both come inside.”
“Then why won’t he?”
“Sweetheart …” My heart felt like it was physically breaking all over again. The pain was palpable.
“If he wanted to play with me, why did he go away?”
The innocence of children. It broke my heart and made me feel unimaginable pain. I’d always tried to shield Noelle from the truth about Nick, but I’d always known this time would come. But I thought I’d have time to plan for it. Think about it. Decide how much I needed to tell her. Decide how much she needed to know.
“Oh, Noelle,” I cried, kissing the top of her head and breathing in her scent. “Your daddy didn’t want to leave you. He loved you so much,” I attempted to assure her.
“But he’s gone?”
“He is,” I clarified, gulping down the lump in my throat. “Your dad had a very important job. He was one of the men who went to work to keep us safe.”
Images of Nick in his uniform popped into my head and I couldn’t blink them away. I didn’t want to. He was so handsome. He loved his daughter, I never doubted that for a second, but he was his job. It was what he was born to do. Who he was born to be. Even though I worried every time he walked out the door, I couldn’t ask him to give it up. Not even when I was pregnant with Noelle could I ask him to do that.
