So here I was, sitting in my car, idling on the side of the road, a couple of hundred feet from the turn-off to Jake’s place. I could see the gate up ahead. I knew what I had to do, but I was completely frozen.
Last night, three margaritas in, and I’d let Taylor convince me this was a good idea, and deep down I knew she wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t like Jake and I could avoid each other forever.
This week has been hard. I’d gone from furious to upset and back again sometimes in the space of minutes. Jake had managed to press every one of my buttons and make me worry about things I promised myself I’d never worry about. On Tuesday as I was tucking Cassie into bed, she asked me when she was going to get to see Jake again, so I’d sucked it up. I promised her she’d see him soon before racing out the back door and bursting into tears on the back step. I didn't want to be this mom. I didn’t want to be the mom who hated her child’s father, and I had no intention of keeping them apart, but it still hurt.
I’d cried for what felt like forever, and just when I was sure I had no more tears left to cry, Mom dropped down on the step beside me, wrapped her arm around my shoulders, and held me as I fell apart.
Above our heads, the stars were out, and in the silence while I’d tried to pull myself together, I stared up at the twinkly gems against the inky sky praying for some kind of sign to help me figure this one out.
“I haven’t seen you sitting out here since Cassidy,” Mom whispered, squeezing me a little tighter at the mention of my sister's name.
I hadn’t thought of it like that, but she was right. I hadn’t been out here, but my heart was hurting, and this is where I needed to be. Staring up at the stars, I wished Cassidy was here so she could help me with this. She’d always been the levelheaded one. Despite being America’s country music sweetheart, Cassidy was the same small-town Texas girl who loved playing in the mud and wore her heart on her sleeve.
“I miss her,” I confessed with a sniffle.
“Me too. Every day.”
“I wish she was here so I could ask her what to do.”
“And what do you think she’d say?”
I smiled. It was one of those sad smiles where the face of the person you missed, the face of someone you’d give anything to see again, to hear their voice again, to have them hug you again, made you smile and cry at the same time.
“She’d probably tell me to listen to my heart.”
“And what’s your heart telling you?”
“I don’t know if I want to listen.”
“Sweetheart, I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. But you need to know no matter what happens, Cassie is your daughter, and I’ve got your back. Always.”
“Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?”
“Because there is.”
“Do I want to know?”
“Probably not, but you’re going to sit there, hold my hand, and listen anyway.”
Guess I didn’t have much say.
“I’m not saying I agree with what happened, but I know Jake, and I know he wouldn’t have ever done something like this to hurt you.”
“But it did hurt.”
“And I’m not doubting that. But sometimes men are clumsy, they say things they don't mean, trip over their words, and then end up hurting the ones they love.”
“He doesn’t love me,” I grumbled miserably.
“Are you sure about that?”
“He doesn’t even know me.”
“Have you given him a chance?”
“He’s only being nice to me because of Cassie. He’s moved on since we were… whatever we were.” I spat the words angrily, hating how bitter they tasted and how much they stung.
“Now you’re just being silly, Kellie.”
