Stepping into Marianne’s home was like stepping into a time capsule. The carpet was worn and dated. The walls were lined with timber paneling that’d seen better days and the sofa was one of those floral material sofas covered in a thick plastic that when I sat down, it creaked under my bum.
While I was sitting carefully, trying not to make too much noise, Skye went straight for the baby, taking her out of Kellie’s arms and snuggling her. Watching the way she oohed and aahed over her, showed me another side of her. Her soft side.
“She’s a good one,” Marianne told me, handing me a tall glass with the clinking of ice echoing.
“Yeah. She deserves to be happy,” I confirmed.
“You both do.”
“Thanks.”
“And I’m happy you found each other.”
Marianne’s words shocked me. I thought I’d have to argue the point and convince her that we weren’t doing this to hurt anyone, but she hadn’t even batted an eyelid. She’d just accepted it with a smile and invited us into her home.
“You know we didn’t do this to hurt anyone. I loved Cassidy,” I told her, feeling like I owed her an explanation. “And I haven’t given up on finding out what happened…”
“Hayden. I know you loved my daughter. And she loved you. You made her smile and light up, like not even the brightest spotlight could do. I love my daughter and I miss her every day, but I know without a doubt, she wouldn’t want you sitting in the corner and not living. The last thing she would want is you focusing on what happened and forgetting to take care of you. She’d want you happy. And she’d want Skye happy too. And if you’re happy together, I know Cassidy would approve.” Marianne choked up and her eyes filled with tears.
My chest constricted and I grabbed a couple of tissues from the box on the coffee table before handing the box to Marianne. Watching her wipe the tears from her cheeks was painful.
For a long while, Marianne and I sat there in silence, her hand in mine, both caught up in our own heads, struggling with the memories that were swirling. Thankfully, Skye and Kellie appeared, Skye still nursing Cassie.
“Do you want to meet her?” Skye asked me, looking down at the pile of blankets in her arms.
“I… I don't know…” I wasn’t sure I even knew how to nurse a baby properly. What if I hurt her? What if I didn’t support her neck properly?.
I don't know if she was ignoring what I was saying or if she just didn’t want to listen. Skye sat down beside me, and I could feel everyone watching us. As Skye adjusted Cassie in her arms, I leaned over and looked down at her. She had the biggest eyes I’d ever seen and they were staring straight at me. Her tiny little hands were scrunched in fists as she waved them around happily gurgling.
Carefully, I lifted my hand to run my fingers across her forehead and through the thin crop of dark hair. I hadn’t been around a lot of babies and those I had, I thought all looked the same, but even I couldn’t deny, Cassie was a beautiful baby. When she wrapped her fist around my finger, she owned me. In that moment, I knew there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make sure she lived her best possible life.
“She likes you,” Marianne commented from where she was watching on eagle eyed.
“What can I say? She has good taste.”
“I see you haven’t changed a bit,” Kellie replied, cracking a smile for the first time since we’d arrived.
“Admit it. You wouldn’t want me to change,” I reminded her.
“Debatable,” Kellie muttered, folding her arms across her chest. Poor woman looked exhausted, but when she looked at her daughter, her tired face filled with love.
Pulling my finger away, Skye told me to hold out my arms and with the stares of three women set on me, women I was kind of scared of, she carefully placed Cassie and her blanket bundle in my nervous arms.
“She’s beautiful,” I murmured, not able to tear my eyes away from her.
Well, she was beautiful for all of thirty seconds before she started fidgeting and her bottom lip trembled. When the cries started, I looked at the women gawking at me, hoping one of them would come to my rescue and make it stop.
“Rock her back and forth,” Marianne suggested helpfully.
Somehow I managed to stand up without dropping her and started pacing. It took a minute but she seemed to settle as long as I didn’t stop moving.
“See, you’re a natural.” Kellie smiled at me as she poured herself a glass of tea and dropped into the recliner, propping her feet up.
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled as I continued to walk around, bouncing on the balls of my feet.
Leaving them to talk about baby shit, I wandered through the house talking softly to Cassie in my arms. With her looking up at me with those wide eyes, I wanted to give her the world. “You know, you were named after your aunt,” I told her, my voice soft and filled with love. I think it may have been the first time I’d spoken about Cassidy without it almost dropping me to my knees. “She would’ve loved you. She would’ve driven your mamma crazy when she spoiled you rotten, but she would’ve loved you so much. And I’m so sorry you won’t get to meet her. I’m sorry I couldn’t save her for you. But I promise you, Cassie, I’ll make sure you know all about her.”
“Me too…”
