I wish she was.
I was pretty sure, as long as I lived, I’d never be able to get the sight of her lying there—lifeless on the floor—out of my head.
Everything after that had been a blur. It’d all happened at warp speed while at the same time everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.
And now here I was. Holding court at Cassidy’s wake, a wake that was on the same day her bridal shower had been scheduled, came to a close and people went home and returned to their lives. For most people, from the uptight music executives who’d shown up just to be seen to the people who’d wanted to just show up to get the scoop, they’d given up an afternoon, shown their face, now they could move on to the next thing. It wouldn’t be like this for everyone though. Cassidy’s mother and sister, Kellie, had stayed hidden in the corner, consumed by grief. Her friend Harper, someone who existed outside the music industry bubble, had come but couldn’t stay. I don’t know if she didn’t want to or couldn’t but either way, I didn’t blame her. I didn’t want to be here either.
Pouring myself another drink, I stood in the doorway and sipped it wondering how much longer until I could escape. Now this week was over, a week I don’t think I’d ever recover from, I planned on going home, curling up under the covers, and sleeping for a month.
But first, there was something I had to do.
One last person I had to check on.
I may not be Cassidy’s assistant anymore, but I owed her this. She’d been amazing to me through the years. She treated me like a sister, like I was family, and even though I wasn’t there in the moment that mattered the most, I could do this one last thing for her. I had to.
After the last guest finally left, I paid the bill, thankful I still had her expense account and headed out. Waiting for the Uber, I ran my hands down my boring black dress and fingered the beads dangling around my neck. People might’ve thought they were inappropriate, but the bright- gems bought some color to my otherwise bland outfit and I didn’t give a flying fuck. Cassidy bought these for me. Sure, they’d cost all of five dollars from a street vendor down on the pier near Santa Monica when the tour had passed through, but I loved them.
The Uber arrived and I rattled off the address before sitting back and closing my eyes. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived and frankly, that was okay.
Ten minutes later I pulled up out the front and just stood where I was.
“You getting out?” the impatient driver asked rudely.
“Ah, yeah sorry,” I mumbled, forcing myself out of the car.
I don't know how long I stood out the front, staring up at Cassidy’s house wondering what I’d find inside. I’d been here a thousand times but now, everything was different. Cassidy wasn’t there. She wouldn’t be dancing around the kitchen, wearing that ugly apron singing into a wooden spoon. She wouldn’t be running around trying to find her keys because she forgot to hang them on the hook by the door she insisted Hayden install. Everything was different now and I wasn’t sure I was ready to face it.
When a kid on a bicycle almost crashed straight into me, I jumped back wobbling on my heels.
“Sorry,” an exhausted woman apologized as she hurried by.
Sucking in a deep breath, I fortified myself and started putting one foot in front of the other marching up to the front door before knocking with trembling hands. Waiting for someone to answer, waiting for Hayden to answer, left my hands clammy and my mouth dry.
When it didn’t come, I tried again.
Even though I had a key, it just didn’t feel right.
The door was thrown open and I looked at the tortured man standing in front of me, still in his suit, tie gone, stubble covering his jaw, and an empty tumbler in his hand. His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of booze.
“Yeah?” he grumbled.
“Can I come in?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“It’s not my house,” he grumbled, pushing open the door, not even blinking when it banged into the wall.
Stepping inside, I gasped.
Everything was exactly the same, but at the same time it was all different.
Every which way I looked, there was Cassidy. Shoes left by the front door. A hair tie on the coffee table. The ugly cracked pink coffee mug sat by the coffee machine, waiting to be filled. I don't know if I wanted to scream and throw things or curl up on the floor and cry. Maybe it was both. This was so fucking unfair it was ridiculous. I wish there was something I could do to undo this mess. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and Cassidy would be sitting at the kitchen counter, smiling and laughing.
I watched silently as Hayden moved through the house like a zombie, coming into the kitchen and refilling his glass. When he held the bottle up towards me, I nodded and he filled another glass before pushing it across the counter with his knuckles.
“How are you doing?” I asked, hating how dumb it sounded but not having any other words.
“Fan-fucking-tastic,” he snarked bitterly. “How do you think I’m doing? I just buried the woman I was going to marry.”
“It sucks,” I admitted, taking a sip of the amber liquid trying not to wince as it burned down my throat.
