“Buried next to Samuel.”
What? How? Oh my god! How was this guy still standing? I knew there was something about Nate the moment I laid my eyes on him, something that called to me. Not once did I dare to imagine that it was a strength built from surviving the depths of hell he’d been dragged through.
“We buried Samuel on a Thursday. It was raining and miserable. Everything was. Alicia and I were creeping around each other, barely saying a word. Neither of us bothered to cook dinner, or grocery shop, or even do the laundry. It was like our lives stopped the moment Samuel’s heart did. It was pointless going on without him. The moment we’d got home from the hospital I’d pulled his nursery door shut and hadn’t opened it. It didn’t get opened again for six months.”
Tears were falling from my eyes like a waterfall. One I couldn’t tame. As much as I hated Nate for being married before, I couldn’t hold back. Squishing myself up against him as much as I could, I wrapped my arms around him and held tight. As bad as this was, I felt like the worst was still coming.
“We had a gap between the funeral and the wake. Mum planned it, and I just went along with it. I was a zombie. Going through the motions, but not really participating in my own life. I’d gone home and sat on the swing out the back. It was Alicia’s swing. One she’d demanded six months into her pregnancy and I caved. Anything she wanted, she got. When Mum rang and asked where I was, I noticed I was already late. Like a robot, I got in the car and drove over.”
“The moment I pulled in the drive, Dad was there, hugging me close. We’d never really been big on the hugs before, but seeing him with tears in his eyes, it cracked the only part of me that was still holding together. I remember him asking where Alicia was. I had no idea. I’d just left without her. What sort of asshole husband leaves without his wife to go to their son’s wake?”
“Nate. It’s not your fault.”
“She was asleep. I got home and that’s what I thought. So I left her there. For hours. When I went in to change out of the monkey suit I’d had on all day, she hadn’t moved a muscle. Not one. Usually she tossed and turned. I don’t know what made me do it. I think I already knew, and just needed to be sure. I went over to the bed and touched her face. It was ice cold. I remember sliding down the wall and calling the ambulance. Twice in two weeks. Twice they had come barrelling through the door, lugging bags of stuff. Twice I knew it wouldn’t help. Barely two minutes. Two minutes is all it took for them to declare my wife, my Alicia, all that I had left, was dead.”
“When I woke up, I was in hospital with an IV line pumping into my arm. My mother sat beside my bed with a grip on my hand. She explained what had happened and it hurt all over again. Alicia had OD’d in our bed on anti-depressants. If I’d have checked on her earlier, if I hadn’t forgotten about her, if I hadn’t left her to deal with everything on her own…”
“You were dealing with it too…” I reminded him.
At my voice, Nate looked at me. Up until that moment I wasn’t even sure if Nate realised I was still there.
“Alicia needed me, and I wasn’t there. I did this. I let my family die right in front of me. Josie, we can’t be friends. You have Matilda to take care of. You’re beautiful and full of life and that little girl needs the best mother in the world. You. I’ll just destroy that. I’ll destroy you.”
That pissed me off.
Really pissed me off.
I got where Nate was coming from, I really did, but this man in my arms, he wasn’t a monster. Nothing that happened was his fault. Yet here he was, blaming himself and trying to survive. He never would if he kept trying to punish himself for something he had no control over.
Nate stood up, and instead of me tumbling from his lap, I wrapped my legs around his waist the same time my hands grabbed hold of his shoulders. He wouldn’t let me go earlier when I bared my soul to him, I wasn’t about to let him block me out.
“Josie, let go.”
“No.” I squeezed tighter.
“Let go. I’m tired and I want to go to bed.”
He was probably telling the truth. Beneath his eyes were deep black bags, even though they were filled with unshed tears. “Then go to bed.”
“Are you letting me go?”
“Never.”
