Chapter 21
Josie
I was dead on my feet. Even after my third coffee of the morning I was still barely functioning. Even sitting out on the step in the cool, crisp morning air wasn’t helping keep my eyes open. Taking another sip from my travel mug, I watched as Matilda ran around chasing the birds. That girl was going to be the death of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her with everything I was, but right now, in this very moment, I wished she was someone else’s daughter.
For the last three days she’d been a miserable, horrible pain in my ass. She was teething, which meant I was running on no sleep. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d washed my hair and the only sustenance in my body was caffeine. At this point, if I could find a way to have the caffeine directly injected into my blood stream, I’d be much happier. At one point I was so tired and cranky I’d shot off a text to Mia offering her my snotty, slobbering daughter. Now though, now she was running around happily chasing the damn birds like it was all one big party.
God, I couldn’t wait for nap time.
And that child better take a god damn nap today. Her mum desperately needed one. Especially since Jenna wanted me at work tonight operating like a normal human being.
“Mum!” Matilda squealed in her high pitched, annoying squawk.
Looking over the rim of my cup, I watched as Matilda played in the dirt, bashing a random stick against the grass. She was amusing herself, and hopefully, tiring her little body out in the process. Barely a breath later she took off running towards the innocent, unaware birds foraging around in the grass. With a flap of her wild hands and another loud squeal, the flock of birds took to the sky, out of reach from my overeager Munchkin.
When my cup was empty and Matilda was covered from head to toe in dirt and grass, we headed back inside for some food. Mia and Derek arrived home from their trip into the city blissfully and disgustingly happy. Before they’d left, Mia had mumbled something about wedding plans, but as soon as she started I tuned out. She was turning into Bridezilla and I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. Not when I was too tired to care about anything.
I loved my sister. There was no doubting it, but this wedding couldn’t come fast enough. It seemed like every time I turned around she was nagging at me to buy some hideous lavender bridesmaid’s dress. I know there wasn’t long until the big day and I was running out of time, I just didn’t want to shop. I still hadn’t lost the baby weight, and I pretty much hated how I looked, so putting on a dress and a face full of makeup just to stand there and smile happily while I watched Mia’s dream come true wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. Not that I didn’t want her to get her dream, I did more than anything, it was just that every time the “w” word came out of her mouth, I found myself cringing.
Before I knew it, it was three in the afternoon, I’d missed my nap, and I was standing in the bathroom glaring at my reflection in the mirror, trying to tame my wild hair.
“Mum! Mum!” I could hear Matilda calling, and instead of going to make sure she wasn’t bleeding, I nudged the door shut with my foot, blocking out the sound.
Resting my hands on the sink in front of me I sucked in a deep breath. Then it hit me what I’d done. I was a single mother. And I’d just shut the door on my daughter’s cries. Fuck, I was a horrible person and even worse, I was a terrible mother. What sort of parent does that? When I managed to lift my gaze again, the mascara I swiped on minutes earlier was now trickling with the tears down my face.
Grabbing one of Matilda’s pink washcloths from the cabinet, I drenched it under the cold tap before scrubbing at my face, washing away my makeup and the shame at what I’d done. I hated myself for it. But I couldn’t force myself to open the door and face what I’d done. Before I had a chance to control myself, it got worse. The sobbing consumed me and soon enough I was panting for breath.
“Josie?” I heard Mia’s sickeningly sweet voice crack through the door.
“Yeah?” I hiccupped.
“Are you all right in there?”
No. No, I was not all right. I was a fucking mess. Instead of telling her the truth, I lied. “Yep.”
“Okay. Derek’s taking Matilda outside to the shed. Apparently he needs some help.”
I didn’t answer. I knew what they were doing. Trying to give me a minute to get my shit together. My only concern was what if a minute wasn’t enough? I was a disaster. As much as I needed the money, the urge to call in sick was more than tempting. If I didn’t feel like I’d be letting Jenna down, I would have.
The way my life was going, I may never come back out again.
Tossing the now black-stained cloth in the hamper, I yanked the black polo from the pile on the floor and tugged it over my head, before tightening my hair tie. I didn’t bother trying to reapply my makeup. My whole face was flushed and my eyes bloodshot, but it’d do. After all, it wasn’t like I had anyone to impress.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I bypassed my bedroom to grab my phone and keys then made my way into the kitchen.
Completely embarrassed by my breakdown, I watched Mia bite her lip, undoubtedly holding back her opinion. Thank fuck. I knew her well enough to know she had one. A strong one. Right now, I didn’t need her judgement. I had my own to battle.
“Are you still okay to look after Matilda tonight?” I forced out.
“Absolutely. Derek has a full night planned for her.”
“He spoils her.”
“Yeah. He does.”
“Well, if you’re sure, I’m going to head off. She’s been a pain in the butt all day and her teeth are giving her some grief. Panadol is in the cupboard, and she’ll be right to have some more around six if she needs it. And if you can get her to eat, give her anything.” Mia quirked her eyebrow at me. “She’s barely eating, and when she does, she’s fussy. Anything you can get down her throat is an achievement.”
“Easy.”
