“I can do that.”
“Let me, Josie. You two need to have this conversation.”
Stumbling to my feet, I pressed a kiss against Matilda’s forehead, pausing to breathe in her innocent scent. This girl drove me to the very edge of madness, and some days she pushed me over, but she was my heart. “I don’t wanna.”
“I know, sweetheart, but it’s time.”
Shit!
I wanted to argue. I wanted to run screaming from the house. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to stamp my feet. Damn, I was exactly like my daughter. Now I knew where she got that stubborn streak.
My eyes darted back and forth between Derek’s retreating back and Mia. They exchanged a silent conversation, one I wasn’t privy to. Jealousy coursed through my veins. I wanted that. More than ever.
“Right.”
“Mia. I don’t want to do this.”
“I know. And I don’t care. It’s been forever Josie. It’s time to let it go.”
“I…I…can’t.”
“You have to, Jo-Jo. It’s destroying you. You don’t deserve this. I know what you think you do. And I know all of the things that Mum and Dad said to you. Josie, they were wrong. You never set out to get pregnant. But if you didn’t hook up with that scum bag, we wouldn’t have that precious little girl in there. You’re not a slut, or a whore, or any of those other things they called you. You made one mistake. One. It doesn’t mean you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. You don’t have to punish yourself forever. You don’t deserve this, Josie. No one does. It’s time for you to focus on you again. You need to do whatever it is that’s going to make you happy.”
“I don’t know how.” A tear trickled over my cheeks. It was the first time I’d allowed myself to admit it. I didn’t even have a clue where to begin.
Without a word, Mia crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around me. If I wasn’t such an emotional freak right now, I’d be complaining about her bony ass digging into my thigh. She smoothed my hair down and held me tight. It was exactly the same thing I did to Matilda when she was upset. Just hold her tight against the steady rhythm of my heart and wait for the hurt to pass.
I don’t know how long we sat there like that. I cried until I didn’t think I had any more tears left in me and Mia’s shoulder was damp. “I’m going to help you. Derek and I both are. You’re going to be happy again, Josie.”
“You’ve already done so much for me, Mia. I can’t ask for more.”
“You’re not asking.”
“You’ve put up with me living with you and not once have you bitched about me being in your way. You stood there in the delivery room when I gave birth to Matilda and you didn’t bat an eye, even though I knew it was killing you inside. But I was a selfish bitch and I couldn’t do it without you. I was scared, and if you weren’t’ there, then I would have been all alone. And I couldn’t do it. Me being here has to have hurt you.”
“It has.”
Her honesty stunned me.
It shouldn’t have. I know I was the one who put the words in her mouth, but to have them confirmed, it fucking stung.
“Then why?”
I was on a roll now. As much as it hurt, I had to keep going. If I said it all now, all in one go, hopefully we’d never have to revisit this conversation again. At least I prayed we wouldn’t.
“Simple. You needed me. And I’m your sister.”
“Mia…”
“I’m going to tell you something, Josie, and you’re going to listen very fucking carefully ’cause I’m only going to say this once, okay? So shut up and listen. I’m not going to lie. It fucking hurt like hell to watch you become a mother. And honestly, it’s hurt every day since. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve let me be in Matilda’s life in a way I don’t think I could ever have imagined. When they told me I’d never be a mother, I thought I’d never get that chance. But you gave me that. You shared your most treasured possession in the world, your beautiful Matilda, with me, and no matter what else happens I can’t thank you enough for that. But now, now isn’t the time to worry about that. Right now, we need to do whatever it takes to make you happy.”
“I am happy.”
“No, sweetheart, you’re not. You’re so far from happy you’re not even on the same planet. You’re pretending to be happy and it’s not the same thing. What’s going to make you really, truly happy?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“What used to make you smile then?”
