Chapter 19
Josie
I watched as Nate shuffled out the door and away from me. I felt like crap. Like death warmed up. The desire to crawl into bed and bury my head under the covers until the whole world fell silent was almost too good to resist. Turning my attention back to Matilda, I wanted to throttle my daughter. Sure she was cute, and most of the time she was a bouncing ball of fun, but right now I wanted to walk away and pretend she wasn’t mine. She’d been out of the bath for less than an hour and already she needed another.
“You have yoghurt everywhere, Matilda.” I tried to keep the annoyance and frustration out of my voice, but judging by the look Mia shot me, I hadn’t been very successful.
“Jo-Jo…”
Bloody Mia was bringing out the heavy artillery. I hated when she used nicknames. It was worse than when your parents used your full name, which was something I hadn’t heard in a long time. Not since the day I’d disappointed my mother so severely they’d cut me out of their lives.
“What?”
“Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll look after the Munchkin?”
I yawned deeply. “I can’t expect you to do that.”
“Josie! You’re sick. And the last thing either of us need is a sick little girl, which is all that’s going to happen if you keep trying to do everything and be everything for everyone. Please, Josie, just for once, let me take care of Matilda and you take care of you.”
“I…can’t. She’s my daughter…”
“If the next words that come out of your mouth are ‘she’s my responsibility,’ I swear to god, Josie, I will slap you where you stand. You’re sick. You need to rest so you can get better. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum. No one will hold it against you. Fuck, no one else even needs to know. And let’s face it, if I’m going to hold something against you, it’s going to be one of the embarrassing stories I have of you from the past twenty-odd years.”
“Bitch!”
Rising to my feet, I wobbled. The wave of dizziness consumed me. Lucky for me, Mia was right there beside me before I had a chance to topple over and land on my ass, but I caved pretty quickly after that. After dosing me up on meds and promising to wake me if she needed me, Mia tucked me in and kissed my burning forehead good night.
It took a week before I was back to normal.
A week of Mia and Derek being my saviour. They did everything they could to make it easier. Mia looked after Matilda like she was her own. Bathing her. Feeding her. Reading her bedtime stories. All the things that I, her mother, should have been doing. Things I just didn’t have the energy to do. Even getting out of bed seemed like an effort.
Another week passed before I returned to work. I never thought I’d be as thankful to be a bar maid as I was that first night back. Just being back in the land of the living. Having other adults to talk to. Being dressed in real clothes. If I never pulled on my yoga pants again it would be too soon. At one point I considered setting them alight.
It was Tuesday night and I felt alive again. I’d washed and straightened my hair before pulling it back in a high ponytail. I’d even taken the time to apply my makeup. Even though I’d been out of it for more than a week, the best part was I’d managed to lose that last five kilos that I’d had no amount of trouble trying to shake. The upside was, I was able to squeeze my ass into my favourite skinny jeans. That fact alone had my confidence soaring. Now all I needed was for Nate to come in.
The minutes ticked by, and as much as I didn’t want to admit I was watching the door, every time it creaked I couldn’t help but to look up, hoping. Throughout my two week hibernation I’d dreamt about the man who made me feel more alive than ever, more than I’d care to admit. Mia had taunted me incessantly, but I kept blowing her off. It was like if I said it out loud, it was real. And that was something I really wasn’t ready to deal with.
He never showed.
The disappointment must have shown on my face because Jenna was on to me in a minute. “Don’t tell me he’s not here yet?”
“What? Who?”
“Nice try, sweetheart. But you know exactly who I’m talking about. Mister tall, dark and broody.”
“Nate?”
“Of course Nate. Where is he? That boy hasn’t missed the steak special since he arrived in town.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
I don’t know if he was avoiding me, but part of me suspected. It was ridiculous. I’m ridiculous. I had absolutely nothing to base my assumptions on other than the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
For the next hour I shuffled around the restaurant, going through the motions but not really paying attention. He never showed. Not tonight. Nor the next night. Not even the one after that. In fact, he didn’t show for the next month. Even on the days when I wasn’t rostered on, not once did Nate come in.
I didn’t realise how much his absence affected me. Every time I walked into the club, my eyes found their way to the empty table against the window. Obviously big mouth Jenna didn’t keep her observations to herself.
