Chapter 3
Josie
Regret. Total and complete regret flooded my body. Last night had been almost fun. Even though it was work, I’d had the opportunity to talk to people other than Mia and Derek. As much as I loved my sister and her fiancé, there were only so many nights I could sit on the couch beside them while they sucked face through episode after episode ofBig Bang Theory.It hadn’t been hard work, but right now my feet were protesting. Angrily.
Matilda screamed, so I put my mug on the counter and headed towards her room. Mia was a saint. She’d taken the early shift and got up with Matilda around five, fed and changed her, then played with her until I’d surfaced. It was after nine when I shuffled out to the lounge room and found them rolling around on the floor. Matilda was stacking blocks, then knocking them over, only to dissolve into a fit of giggles. The smile on Mia’s face was so alive I hated to break up their party. For a moment, barely a breath in time, I leaned against the wall and remained silent, watching them.
The moment Matilda spotted me, the spell was broken. Instantly on hands and knees, she crawled towards me as fast as her tiny body could move her. Her smile lit up my heart. She made my tired, aching body suddenly not feel so bad.
“Hey Munchkin.” I bent down and scooped her into my arms, which earned me a squeal of delight. “Thanks for looking after her last night.”
“Any time,” Mia assured me, as she tossed the abandoned blocks back in the purple bucket in the corner. “So, how’d it go? Think you’ll go back?”
I shifted Matilda in my arms; she was the most wiggly child I’d ever met. She never sat still. Even when she was sleeping she was squirming. It was common for me to put her down for a nap and when I went to get her barely half an hour later, she was completely turned upside down with the blankets tangled and her foot caught between the rails. More than once I’d worried about her getting so tangled she couldn’t breathe or move, but so far I’d been lucky.
“It was good. I mean, it wasn’t anything life changing, but it was good to just get out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love this little snot ball, but…”
“I get it, Josie. You don’t have to justify yourself to me. I’m glad. You need to get out of the house. Be something other than Matilda’s mum occasionally.”
“W-what are you saying?” I felt my spine straighten. I didn’t know what Mia was getting at, but whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it.
Mia stood up, obviously sensing a fight. Running her hands over her face, she backed down quickly. “Josie, you’re an amazing mother. And that little girl is extremely lucky to have you. But there’s more to you than just being her mum. She needs you to be the best version of yourself. She deserves that. You deserve that.”
“Oh.”
“Thanks.” I felt like a bitch. I hadn’t been expecting that. “How was she?”
“She was Matilda.”
I laughed and it felt good. Everything felt a little lighter, like the dark cloud that had been circling overhead had lifted.
It was late January and it was hot. Too hot. Even with the air conditioning running at full blast, the air still felt heavy, and I was sweating like a pig. There wasn’t a breath of wind. It was still and stifling. Matilda was whinging and wouldn’t go down for her nap. Not that I could blame her. The moment my back touched the lounge, my sticky skin clung to the leather.
“Let’s fill up the tubs with water and stick our feet in,” Mia suggested eagerly as she dragged two huge plastic containers through the living room and out the back door.
Scooping Matilda up from the tiles where she was playing with a tea towel on her head, I carried her outside, where Mia was already filling the tubs under the shade of the overgrown gum tree in the corner of the yard. Finally catching on to her idea, I set Matilda down and watched for a second as she crawled happily across the burnt brown grass towards Mia. Grabbing two green plastic chairs, I carried them across the yard and put them beside the tubs before turning on my heel and heading back inside to get the pièce de résistance.
Grabbing a hat and some sunscreen for Matilda, as well as a couple of towels, I was just about to head back out when a squeal penetrated the silence and shot straight to my heart. Dropping everything, I sprinted through the house and out the door, managing to bash the point of my elbow into the solid wooden frame. Barely pausing, I let the list of expletives fall from my mouth as I crossed the yard as quickly as I could.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I huffed when I stepped beside Mia, my hands propped on my hips, my heart still racing at a million miles an hour.
Glancing down, I spied my daughter with the cheekiest smirk plastered across her adorable face and her eyes alight with mischief. Mia had filled one of the tubs a third of the way, stripped off Matilda, and set her down in the cool, clear water. There she sat, naked as a jay bird, splashing happily in the shade of the tree.
Mia just looked over at me and shrugged. “What?”
“Seriously?”
For a few moments I watched while Mia squatted down and played in the water like she was a kid. She looked so happy. In her element. The grin on Mia’s face made her look years younger than her birth certificate revealed. This was exactly where she was supposed to be. The life she deserved. The life she’d never have. The errant thought tore through me like a runaway freight train. Sometimes I forgot about Mia’s troubles, I was so absorbed in my own life. Then others, moments like right now, it was so glaringly obvious that it physically hurt. I don’t know how she did it. Got out of bed each day. Kept going. Kept believing that somehow it would be okay. That it would turn out all right in the end. That she could be happy. She was a fucking inspiration and she broke my heart. Wiping the stray tear from my cheek, I turned and headed back to the house. I needed a few minutes. And I knew there were no better hands in the world to leave my daughter in.
Forty minutes later, Mia and I had settled back in our chairs, Matilda was dressed in just a nappy as she crawled around the grass, grabbing at everything that wasn’t nailed down. We had our feet buried in a tub of water, sunglasses on, and a cool beer in our hand.
“Well, well, well. Obviously this is where the party is,” Derek taunted as he strode arrogantly across the lawn.
He had swagger. It was undeniable. He was dressed head to toe in his blue uniform, aviators settled over his eyes and holster at his hip. I felt the shiver pass through my body when my eyes settled on it. I didn’t know why it unsettled me. It pissed me off that it did. I saw him pretty much dressed like this every day, but every damn day there it was. Irrefutable and completely annoying.
“Come to join us?” Mia smiled up at him, hope brimming from her wide smile.
She was just as in love with Derek today as she was the first moment she’d seen him. Sure, her instant infatuation had deepened, but the lust was still there. If anything, it was more intense than ever. Trust me, I heard it. Every. Single. Night.
