Chapter 15
Josie
My heart was pounding so hard I could have sworn it was going to burst through my chest at any moment. With the first piece of squid in my stomach, it rumbled loudly for more. Embarrassingly so. I wanted to stuff the rest down my throat as quick as I could, but I knew it wasn’t lady-like. The only issue was I wasn’t sure I wanted to shovel the food down because I was starving, or if I wanted to get away from Nate and his penetrating, soul-searching stare.
I know I’d been a chicken shit. I’d been avoiding him. Dodging any situation where we might even accidentally bump into each other. I sent Mia to get groceries, changed my afternoon walking route so I didn’t go by the school just in case he happened to be on the playground. I’d even stopped taking Matilda to the park to play because it was just down the road from his house. I know it was petty and childish and completely irrational, but I couldn’t force myself get past it. I wish I could have. Every time I closed my eyes, I remembered the look of pure lust in his eyes, and it made me clench my thighs together. Every time I stepped into my own kitchen, I swear I could hear his moans and groans. And when it rained, which it seemed to do every fucking day at the moment, I relived the total humiliation I’d subjected myself to. What made everything worse, everything harder to deal with, was I couldn’t quite figure out what it was that I was most embarrassed about. Was it what I did? Dropping to my knees on a first date, if it was even a date. Or was it the way I reacted after, running out into the night like someone lit my ass on fire that I should be mortified about? Or was it everything I’d done since. Hiding in the shadows instead of pulling up my big girl panties and facing what I’d done head on. After all, a blow job isn’t the end of the world.
“So how have you been?”
“Is that really what you want to know, Nate?”
“What are you—”
“No point in playing dumb. One, it doesn’t suit you. And two, I can see Jenna from here watching to see what happens next. So you might as well spit it out.”
As the words flowed out, I could barely believe it. At some point in the last ten minutes I’d grown a set of balls. Big ones. I don’t know where they’d come from but I was fucked if I was giving them back.
Indecision flickered over Nate’s face, and I couldn’t help but to admire how hot he looked. The stubble on his chin made him look dark and slightly dangerous even, but it was the light in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. I felt it. Every-fucking-where. Clamping my thighs together, I prayed it would be enough to ease the building pressure. Forcing myself to swallow another mouthful, I was surprised to discover it had no flavour.
“Okay.” Nate looked me straight in the eye, his steely gaze trapping me. Placing his knife and fork down slowly, he took a second to wipe his mouth on the paper napkin. Not that there was anything wrong with his mouth. Believe me, I’d been staring at it from the moment I’d sat down. “There’s one thing I’m dying to know.” I gulped. I wanted to slide out of my chair and hide under the table until his big, bad scary words went away. Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded mutely. “What’d I do wrong?”
“Excuse me?” I coughed. Was he fucking serious right now? I was the one who acted like a cheap whore and he’s worried what he did.
“I mean, one minute we were fine, or at least I thought we were. Then the next, when I eventually came back down to earth, you were gone. I mean, shit! I thought you were in the bathroom, and when I went looking for you, you were just gone. What happened, Josie?”
My mouth fell open and hit the table between us. Or at least I thought it did. My eyes darted to the ceiling, looking everywhere other than at the gorgeous hunk of man candy sitting before me. I couldn’t bear the look on his face. It was pure torture. If I wanted to hide under the table before, now I was praying the earth opened up beneath me while a big, hairy, zit-covered monster dragged me into the fiery depths of hell. Actually, thinking about it, I don’t think they’d be dragging me as opposed to I’d be dancing along doing the conga on my way. Anything would be better than suffering through this conversation.
“Umm…” I felt my cheeks burn.
When Nate’s hand clamped down over mine and held firm, I had no choice. Running away wasn’t really an option. Dragging my gaze from the beer stain on the carpet, I met his stare. “Josie, no matter what you say, it’s fine. I promise.”
“You can’t make that promise.”
“Yes. I can.”
“Nate…you’re a good guy. One of the best I’ve met, but please don’t waste your time worrying about me. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. It was me. All me.” I tried to wiggle my hand free but he wasn’t having a bar of it. If anything, he held tighter.
“Josie,” his voice was velvety smooth and soft. “Please look at me.”
Sighing heavily, I did as he asked, and when he rubbed his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand, I caved. I might have been humiliated and disgusted with myself, but there was just something about Nate, a mystery I hadn’t quite solved yet, but I found myself desperately wanting to. God, did I want to.
“What did you do?”
I raised my eyebrow at him in disbelief. Was he seriously asking me what I did? Surely he remembered that part. Or maybe I wasn’t that memorable. Maybe he had a whole parade of women dropping to their knees on his kitchen tiles, sucking him like a lollipop. I didn’t know him that well. Maybe that was what he liked. Easy women.
“I mean, I know what you did obviously, but I just don’t see the big deal. Yeah sure, it happened. It was fucking fantastic. But the world didn’t end. We didn’t hurt anyone…wait, did we?”
“No. Nothing like that.”
“Well then, I thought we were having fun. I know I was. Then you were…you were just gone.”
“Didn’t you want me to be?”
This guy was doing my head in. I didn’t know what I was supposed to think. Isn’t that what they all wanted? Blow their load then not have to deal with the consequences? Namely me. Based on my past experiences it was. How was I supposed to know Nate was different? Even Matilda’s sperm donor had been like that. Once he got what he wanted, he rolled over and went to sleep. Didn’t even care if I finished or not. The only good thing I got out of that douche canoe was Matilda.
Yanking back his hand abruptly, I watched as he tugged on his hair. I hoped in frustration, but the twisted, aggravated look on his face wasn’t clear. “Fuck!” he growled. It was so low no one but me could hear it.
Glancing around the bar, I realised it was almost empty. Beyond the door, I could hear the wind causing havoc as the tin roof was pelted by rain. Jenna was watching the scene unfold, though. I wasn’t completely alone. She stood behind the bar, leaning against the wood, polishing the glasses. Slowly. I knew she was more interested in what was going on over here than what she was doing.
