Chapter 36
Mia
Derek was saying all the right words. Promising all the right things. All the things I’d dreamt about. All the things I thought I’d never have. A love. A future. A family. It broke my fucking heart. I didn’t want to tell him, but I owed him that much. I hoped I’d never have to. It was the reason I was who I was. If I didn’t ever get close to anyone, then the secret would be my burden to carry. Carrying it alone was exactly as you could imagine. Painful. Heavy. Lonely. But confessing, telling Derek the whole truth, could hurt me even worse.
“Can you say something? Please?”
The neediness in his voice was unmistakable. It hurt my heart. It was more than hurt though. It shattered it. Derek obviously pictured a life for us. Together. And I couldn’t give it to him. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. He deserved everything in life. He’d already suffered so much heartbreak and pain, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be responsible for inflicting any more.
It took some reluctant wiggling, but I managed to unwind his arms from around me and get on my feet. If I was going to break him, I needed the space to do it. Wrapping my arms around me, I snuggled into his jacket that was still draped over my shoulders. It was so big and warm, and it smelt like him. Like cinnamon and summer nights and man. Sniffing the collar, I held on to the moment for as long as I could manage. Inside my head, I could hear the ticking time bomb of us running out.
“It sounds…like an incredible offer, Derek.”
“But?”
I hated that he could read me so well. He knew there was a ‘but’ coming before I’d even formed the words. “But I’m not what you want.” He opened his mouth to object but somehow I managed to silence him with only a look. “You need to do this. You deserve good things in your life, Derek, and I want them for you. I’m just not…I’m not it.”
He leapt to his feet and towered over me. I should have been afraid. No one knew where I was, I was standing in the dark, no one around, with a guy who if he wanted to me could crush me with his hands. If it was anyone else I know I would have been. It was Derek though. He’d never hurt me. Not physically anyway.
“Bullshit, Mia! You’re exactly what I want. You’re it. I don’t know where this crap is coming from, but I’ll tell you this right now and you better hear me. You’re it. You’re everything. You’re my future. My family. You mightn’t know it right now, but I sure as shit do.”
His outburst only ended when he kissed me. It was a kiss unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. It was demanding, dominant and a complete turn on. With one simple kiss he’d turned my mind to mush and my legs to jelly. As quickly as it had started though, he pulled away and stomped down the steps heading back towards the party, leaving me standing there alone and dumbstruck.
I watched him go and my heart sunk. Even though I knew I’d done the right thing, it didn’t make it hurt any less. A tear escaped, and a moment later I was hunched over sobbing pathetically. I don’t know where they’d come from and fuck if I knew how to stop them. Big fat salty tears, threatening to drown me.
Upending my bag onto the seat beside me, I foraged about until my fingers wrapped around my phone. I needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. That breaking both our hearts was, in the end, the best thing for us. Quickly I dialled Josie. She was the one person who could possibly understand. Probably the only person.
“Mia?” her voice wasn’t right. It was shaky and weak.
“Josie?”
“Hey there. What’s up?”
“Did I wake you?”
“Yeah. I must have fallen asleep on the couch. Are you okay, you don’t sound so great.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The lie tasted terrible as I spurted it.
“No, you’re not. What’s wrong?” She knew. Josie always knew. We mightn’t always see each other, but neither time nor distance could take away the bond we shared. It was both a blessing and a curse.
Through heavy tears and gut-wrenching sobs I told Josie everything. Somehow she managed to extract words from me I didn’t even know were there.
“Do you love him, Mia?”
Her words were like a punch in the gut. It was a simple yes-no question. I should have a simple answer. I should be able to answer it. I knew the answer. In my heart, I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it. Not to Josie. Not to myself. And certainly not to the man who had the power to destroy me.
“It’s not that simple, Jos.’”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Mia. It is that simple. If you love him, everything else will figure itself out.”
“But the gym. Mum and Dad. You. My life.”
“Mia, I love you, but did you hear what you just said? Did you? The gym? Really? No one’s saying you have to sell or get rid of it, but that’s an easy one to fix. Hire a manager for a trial for a couple of months. Give it a chance. Then Mum and Dad. They don’t care if you live in your childhood bedroom or a thousand miles away. All they want is for you to be happy, Mia. That’s all they’ve ever wanted. Me, you know me. I’ll come visit you no matter where you go. Hell, it’s the best excuse I’ve ever had. And who knows, you might be able to find me my own country boy out there in Hicksville. And your life…this is going to sound harsh, but you need to hear it. Seriously, Mia, what life? All you have done for the last couple of years is work your butt off getting the gym up and running and you’ve done an amazing job. No one’s disputing that. But that’s all you have. Derek is offering you more. So the question is…what’s holding you back?”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. In one confronting conversation Josie had pointed out how pathetic my existence really was. Forcing myself to focus on breathing in and out, for a moment we didn’t speak.
“He wants a future with me.” As I said it I could swear I felt my heart shatter beneath my breast.
