Chapter 3
ZOE
The pain was everywhere. All at once. My whole body felt like it was being pulled in a hundred different directions all at the same time. I wanted to scream but my voice wasn’t working. My eyes were still too heavy to pry open. My arms and legs felt the worst. One arm felt like it was on fire. It was burning and stinging and aching all in the same moment. That dull, painful throbbing that gets into your bones and no matter what you do, it just won’t leave.
And my toes. Fuck, they were cold. A hundred million pins and needles felt like they were poking into every inch of my frozen feet. But they moved. I felt them move. As heavy as my legs felt, they weren’t being suffocated by anything. I wasn’t restrained, but the chill went higher. As if someone was revealing me. Millimetre by millimetre, someone was revealing all of me.
Then I couldn’t restrain myself. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t hold back.
I screamed.
I howled.
I roared.
And I know I should have been embarrassed screeching like a banshee, but I wasn’t.
“It’s okay, Zoe. You’re safe,” someone told me, they sounded like they were a million miles away. More than that, how could I believe them? How the hell was I supposed to blindly believe that I was safe?
My eyes shot open. It hurt like a bitch. The damn lights were so bright that any vision I had was now impaired by black spots that danced in my vision, I didn’t care. Dragging my legs up as far as I could, I tried to make myself small. A ball. Tiny. Inconsequential. Invisible.
“Zoe,” the voice came again. I felt something soft drop on me and it took a moment for me to realise it was a cotton blanket. It was soft, but not very warm. “Zoe,” he tried again to get my attention.
Everything was taking longer than it should. I was reacting slowly. Too slowly. My thoughts were scrambled. It was like I was operating in slow motion. Gulping in lungful’s of air, trying to regain control of my scattered senses, I howled again. It hurt. Worse than everything else, it was excruciating.
“Fuck!” I cried out to no one in particular.
“Zoe! Zoe, I need you to focus, okay? I know it’s hard, and I know it hurts, but I need you to try,” a deep, comforting voice asked calmly. “I’m Dr. Davies. You’re in the hospital. You’ve had an accident. I need you to calm down and let me look at you.”
For a moment I was silent. I didn’t know what to make of what he was saying. I didn’t remember any accident. I knew something had happened, I just had no idea what. I was in too much agony for everything to be normal. The pain, the bright lights, his compassion, and attentiveness. I had no idea how I’d gotten here…or even where here was.
Slowly I forced my eyes open again and managed to lock my gaze with his. It was that easy. I believed him. Rightly or wrongly, there was something about him that made me feel safe. Made me believe.
“What…what happened?” I asked. Each word caught in my dry throat. It felt like sandpaper. Coughing wildly, I willed saliva to my mouth.
Silently, he moved around the bed, pressed a red button before handing me a plastic cup of water with a straw.
“Small sips,” he instructed, but I was too greedy. Sucking it in as quickly as I could, instantly I felt better. When the cup ran out I was visibly disappointed. Handing the empty cup back, I noticed the bandages around my wrist.
“Please?” I spluttered, holding up my wrist and waving it in front of him.
There was an unmistakable sadness in his eyes. It was like he had something he wanted to say, something he knew would hurt me, but there was hesitation there. It was almost as if he avoided the conversation, then it would go away. He wasn’t ready, at least not yet. Maybe that’s what his silence was. Nothing more than a delaying technique.
“Let’s get you checked over and then we can talk. Sound fair?” He sounded like my father, right now I didn’t want him to be. Right now I needed him to be my doctor and tell me the truth. No sugar coating, no cotton wool. Just tell me. Like ripping off a bandaid. Fast. Furious. Effective.
I had no choice. “Okay,” I relented.
“Can you stretch your legs out for me, Zoe?” he asked gently.
Silently, I complied. As he started folding back the blanket, I let go. It was like my mind cut me off from feeling anything. I couldn’t hear. The bright lights faded as my tired eyes closed. Within seconds I was back, floating in my safe place. Untouchable.
