Chapter 15
ZOE
I was warm. Too warm. And someone was touching me. What the fuck!
“Get your filthy fucking hands off me!” I screamed, pushing at the solid wall of male surrounding me. I was suffocating. He was everywhere. I couldn’t move him. He was too heavy. Too strong. And he smelt. Like rum and aftershave. Too much aftershave.
“Zoe! Zoe!” He was calling my name but I didn’t recognise him, so I shoved him again with all of my strength. Fuck, I wish I was stronger. I hated being so damn weak and pathetic.
“Zoe…it’s just me. Spencer. Open your eyes. Breathe,” a calm voice assured me.
I did as he asked. I don’t know why. I wish I did. Instead, I took a deep breath and fuck, it hurt. Everything hurt. My head felt like it weighed a tonne and my chest felt like it was being squeezed so tightly I couldn’t get enough air. The moment I let go of the breath I’d been holding, I spluttered loudly. Then my eyes popped open of their own accord. The moment they locked with the deep, penetrating gaze of Spencer McLaren, I knew I was okay.
“Spencer?” I questioned, my voice unrecognisable.
I could feel tears filling my eyes and I wiped them away quickly. Licking my dry lips, I was overcome by the metallic taste of blood. My split lip had reopened, bringing everything back. I didn’t have to see the dozens of sets of eyes staring at me to know every move I made was under the microscope, I could feel them boring into the back of my skull.
“Zoe,” Spencer repeated, stepping deliberately towards me.
He looked different. He was pale. Something was wrong. There was fear in his face. Spencer was scared. He was never scared. In all the years I’d known him, I’d never once seen him this rattled. I just hoped he wasn’t afraid of me because right now, in this moment, I needed him.
“Dance with me, Spencer,” I directed.
“Zoe,” he cautioned as he tried to step away. I wasn’t about to let him go. Without realising it, I stepped with him. Drawn to him like a magnet, I followed his every move.
I slipped my arms around his neck and felt him go as stiff as a board beneath my fingers. I ran my hands through his hair at the nape of his neck, but he didn’t relax. His eyes never left mine. It was like he was scared to touch me. The longer I looked at him the more it hurt. To see the pain reflected in his eyes, it was killing me. I wanted another drink. I craved it. I wasn’t about to let him go. No, I needed Spencer more. Two songs later and he’d given up. My head drooped onto his shoulder and Spencer settled his hands on my hips. I felt home. It was like the room had fallen silent. There was nothing beyond me and Spencer.
I lost track of how long we stayed locked together on the centre of the makeshift dance floor swaying back and forth. The truth was I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I’d travelled all that way for Katie’s birthday party, said two words to her, and then spent the night in the McLaren twins’ arms. I didn’t care that their mother was watching every move I made from behind the bar. I certainly didn’t care that I could feel Spencer’s heart beating erratically beneath my head. None of that mattered. Instead I chose to concentrate on what was important. Right now the most important thing in my world was being wrapped in Spencer’s warm arms with him unconsciously singing into my ear.
“Want to grab a drink?” Spencer offered when the rock song ended and some old school R & B song came on.
“Sounds good,” I agreed, slipping my hand into his.
I didn’t want to admit it, and I never would aloud, but I should never have come tonight. And I should definitely never have let go of Spencer’s hand…not for a second. I wasn’t okay. I was an absolute fucking mess. A walking, talking disaster. I would have been better off holed up in my hotel room in my pyjamas stuffing myself silly on chocolate and ice-cream. Not pretending everything was okay when I knew damn well it wasn’t.
We reached the bar and Spencer offered me the stool before he stepped behind me like some kind of bodyguard. I knew what he was doing and part of me wanted to assure him that he didn’t have to, but the other part of me, the selfish part, liked him exactly where he was.
“What’re you having?” Jenna asked.
“Ummm…” I felt awkward. I knew what I wanted, but was it what I should have? I hated living in limbo land. I didn’t do well in limbo land. That whole stuck between doing what you want to do and what you know you should do just didn’t work for me. It never had.
I looked to Spencer for guidance. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like he was my boyfriend or anything. I just wanted someone, anyone to make the decision for me tonight. Without a word, he just nodded at me before redirecting his attention to his mother. “She’ll have a vodka and orange juice and a glass of ice water, and I’ll take a Coke. Thanks, Mum.”
I offered him a small, weak smile. That’s all I had left. All the energy, all the fight, all the drive had left my body and now I felt like a limp noodle.
“I need to go to the bathroom…you going to be okay here for a second?” he asked nervously.
I could tell he wasn’t happy about leaving my side, and I hated to admit it, but it made me feel special. How could I say no? It wasn’t like he was leaving me here. He was going to the bathroom. He’d be back in five minutes tops. Surely I could hold my shit together for that long. If I couldn’t, well then, I was more fucked up than even I realised.
“I’ll be fine,” I promised, really hoping that I would be. Even if I wasn’t, surely I could fake it for him.
“I’m right here, honey. I’ll keep an eye on her,” Jenna added.
She knew. She knew what had happened to me. Of course she did. Spencer and Kane didn’t have secrets from their mother. They never did. Not from the moment they’d caught their father cheating on her on their dining room table with the secretary. They were only fourteen and they knew it would destroy Jenna, but they fronted up and told her. Secrets and lies were against their religion. I knew Spencer would have asked Jenna for advice this time. As much as I wanted to be angry at him for that, I knew I couldn’t. He was doing his best in what was certainly a shitty situation.
I nodded knowingly at Jenna. She offered me a sad smile before shuffling off down the other end of the bar and serving another customer. I fidgeted and sipped my drink. I needed something to do with my hands. Something to keep my mind off everything. Grabbing a cardboard coaster from the bar, I started shredding it in long strips, challenging myself to see how long I could make one piece. I knew I was being pathetic. I wished I could pull my shit together, walk across the bar to my friends, and join in the party, but I just couldn’t find the desire to do so. Faking yet another smile just seemed too hard.
A man walked up beside me and sat at the bar, leaving a stool between us. It was like I was giving off a warning. Don’t get too close, the bitch bites. Silently I chuckled at my own joke.
