“Thanks.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I watched as he bit his lip as if he were looking for the right words. “Wanna tell me what happened?”
“No,” I added so quickly I surprised myself.
“Zoe,” he cooed, taking hold of both my hands in his. “You’ve known me a long time, and you know I love you. You know I’d do anything to avoid hurting you, but right now I have to ask. I need you to trust me. I need you to talk to me.”
“Please don’t make me do this,” I pleaded. As the tears returned, I realised that no matter how much everything physically hurt it was the emotional scars that were proving more painful than anyone could imagine.
“I have to. You need to. Zoe, please. Talk to me. I’m right here. I promise I’ll catch you. If it makes you feel better, not only will Nurse Foreman make me feel pain if I hurt you, but there is a guy right outside that door who I have no doubt in my mind that on duty or off, he would not hesitate to rip my balls off and stuff them down my throat.”
I heard the sincerity in his voice. I knew he was telling the truth. We both smiled and said simultaneously, “Spencer.”
“I haven’t been home in such a long time. Katie’s invite arrived and it just seemed like time. I mean, I’d missed everything else through the years. The truth was, I’d lied. For years, I’d lied. So many lies that I think part of me started to believe them. I’d constantly told everyone I was too busy to come back. I mean, I missed weddings and christenings and bridal showers and birthdays and even divorce parties. I didn’t want to come back. I never had any desire to. Then Katie’s invite arrived and for the first time, I didn’t want to say no. I’m still not sure why. Why it was different, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll even know where the compulsion came from. I wish I did. Maybe then this wouldn’t have happened.” Once I started I couldn’t stop. The verbal diarrhoea started.
“My car broke down about five kilometres from town. Just past the old Clayton place. I’d left late last night…call it a last minute decision. I got home from work, tossed some clothes in a bag, and started driving. It was just on dawn and the sun was creeping into the sky.” I felt my eyes close. “It was chilly but it was great. The truth was the walk made me feel awesome. I was more nervous than I wanted to admit. The closer to town I got, the heavier the guilt weighed. All the people that I’d let down over the years. All the people I’d abandoned. I didn’t want to confront them. I didn’t want to see the disappointment written all over their face, knowing I’d put it there…”
“Their faces or his face?” Derek asked pointedly.
“Their faces. Their faces,” I reinforced, trying to look casual. Although I tried to brush his words aside, they poked an open wound, and that scared the shit out of me. I’d assumed that after running and avoiding it for so long, it would have healed. I mean, I expected a scar, but never could I have predicted an open, weeping wound. But today I didn’t have time to deal with that. I’d ignored it for years. Another day or two wouldn’t kill me. “Anyway,” I waved my hand dismissively, “I kept walking. A few cars passed me and I didn’t even consider hitching a ride. It was a cool morning, but it was so beautiful and I was enjoying the space. It gave me time to think. Time to plan. Time to rehearse the apologies that I needed to make. I was caught up in my own head. Too caught up. I didn’t even hear him…” my voice trailed away. I was a mess. A huge fucking disaster zone. I knew it. I couldn’t summon the strength to be anything else.
“It’s okay Zoe…keep going. You’re doing great…” I heard Derek encouraging me, but reality was sinking in.
“The next thing I remember a hand clamped down over my mouth. I could barely breathe. I was so scared. I just wanted to breathe. The more I struggled, the tighter he squeezed. He was taller than me. With one hand on my face and the other arm squeezing me around the middle, he yanked me off my feet. I don’t know how far he carried me. I remember kicking and squirming but it didn’t help. Nothing did.”
“Take a breath. You’re doing great, Zoe. Another breath, then when you’re ready, keep going.”
“He threw me on the ground. I remember that. I remember it fucking hurt like a bitch. Then there was this smell. It was like stale whiskey and something else. Something that made me want to vomit.”
“What happened then, Zoe?”
"Then there’s nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. The frustration was both overwhelming and beyond maddening.
“Okay, Zoe. What is the next thing you remember?”
Gulping down the bile that was filling my throat, I didn’t want to remember but I knew Derek wouldn’t let me stop now. “I remember coming to and the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth. I was by myself. There was no one else around. I was all alone. I crawled to the road. My legs didn’t want to hold me up. Every time I managed to find my feet, my legs let me down and I stumbled. Then he was there.”
“Who? Who was there, Zoe?” Derek probed, straightening his spine and squaring his shoulders.
“Spencer. He was there. I don’t know why it had to be him, yet there he was. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. But there he was. Saving me. Again.” As soon as the words fell from my lips I knew how true it was.
“Zoe, you know I love you and you know I love Spencer,” he began as he reached out and took both my hands in his. I looked up into his eyes and saw them rimmed with tears. His voice shook. “I have to ask. Could Spencer have been the one…” He couldn’t even find the words to finish his question.
I wanted to kill him for asking. How dare he ask me that about Spencer! But I understood. He wasn’t being my friend Derek right now. He was being Officer Cartwright. He had to ask the tough questions whether he liked it or not.
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Fuck, Derek! Spencer saved me. He wouldn’t hurt me. Ever. He might get pissed at me sometimes and we might disagree, but he’d never hurt me. I know that. You do too,” I declared strongly.
“Okay. So what happened next? When Spencer found you?”
Sucking in a deep breath, I had to finish. I knew that. I’d come this far. Now wasn’t the moment to start holding back. I just hoped that once I said it I’d never have to repeat it again. “He found me and he took care of me. I remember he picked me up and put me in his car. He kept promising me I’d be okay. That no one would hurt me. That he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. And I believed him. He brought me here. I remember he didn’t let go. Not once. He never left me. He was here when I woke up.”
I was shaking. I’d let it out and I was wrong. It didn’t feel better. It was pure fucking torture. And no amount of drugs could numb that pain.
