“I’ve heard it’s a wonderful feeling. It can be scary, though. But worth it.”
“Maybe.” He flickered his gaze to me, and in that one look, I could see so much in him. Oakley wanted to love. He wanted tolivebut think it wasn’t possible.
“It’s okay to feel emotions, Oakley. It’s okay to fall, too.”
He shook his head, moving us on to the next enclosement. He did feel things; everyone did. His tears and panic were the most prominent, and given how Donny used that against him every single day, I wasn’t surprised. But I wanted to see him happy. I wanted to see so much, and I wasn’t sure I’d get to see any of that for a long while.
“You want to know what I want the most?” I mused as we moved on from the birds, and went towards the bigger animals.
Oakley hummed, not pausing to look at the camels. Yeah, they weren’t anything interesting when compared to all the animals that this place contained.
“I would like to see you happy; to see you smile.”
He breathed through a shrug. I knew that was more than he’d be able to give me, at least of all any time soon.
Chapter 39
Oakley
I was pretty sure my lips didn’t know how to smile, let alone how to feel happy.
I was as close to feeling as content as I could be, given everything that I’ve been through. I knew feeling anything other than fear and sorrow wasn’t going to be something I could achieve.
On a scale, I was on the higher level of finding something worth living for now, at least. But still, me finding happiness? Not likely. Just like I wasn’t going to find love either.
Maybe, if Sabastian kept treating me the way he was, I’d likely fall in love with him. A feeling that he’d never return because…well, I was just little ol’ me. I wasn’t anything special. I was…well whatever I was to him. He may call me his little boy, or his little one. But was that all I was to him?
Moving onto the next animal, my thoughts taking over more than enjoying the moment, I couldn’t help but go back to this morning.
The stuffed animal was my new favorite, and I’d have loved to bring it with me out here. But I knew without any words needing to be spoken, that I needed to be an adult today. I couldn’t let my mind go blank while out and about.
It was kind of annoying that it did that, though. My mind going in and out of that state was somethingthat happened way too often, even before Sabastian took me away from Sir.
With Sir, I had to fight to keep in a safe spot in my mind when he did things. It made it easier to deal with. Now, I wanted to go there because someone made sure I was safe. A feeling I didn’t want to ever lose.
I really couldn’t ask for more. He’d given me so much. And I was sure he’d take back some sort of payment. Sooner, rather than later.
Most likely tonight.
If I was officially an adult today, then he’d do what he’d want to my body. And I wouldn’t fight him. I was prepared for whatever he wished to do.
“You’re not enjoying this, are you?” Sabastian’s voice was low as we passed a group of people, who were mostly school-aged kids. They were loud, bouncing as they walked as if they were going to the best place in the world.
“I…it’s nice?”
It’d be better if my thoughts would shut off. The idea of coming here had seemed fun. It was something I had wanted to do as a kid, but never got to do. Now, being here, it was just warm and boring. The animals weren’t anything special that I hadn’t seen in books.
“I think I have a better idea. Let’s head back to the car.” Sabastian easily led the way away from the alligators, which were the ugliest creatures ever. “First, do you want to stop at the gift shop?”
“No thank you.”
He shot me a knowing smile like he expected that exact answer. There was no way he needed to buy me more things. Even if he thought birthdays were a reason to give me things.
Cutting through the middle of the entire zoo, pathways going in almost every direction to different sections, Sabastian easily led us to the right path. I kept a hold on his hand, halfway looking around as we passed. My thoughts were still not exactly in the present, nor in the past.
I didn’t know where they were, but my thoughts were everywhere, and I was more than enough confused by them.
I had wanted to enjoy the zoo, since who knows when I’d be allowed to go out again. It was a place I had never got to go to as a child. Heck, there were so many places I didn’t get to go. Instead, I ruined this outing.
