Not the two-story home in the suburbs that had screaming kids next door.
And definitely not the apartment downtown by the therapist’s office, as I could hear everything all around me.
Dawn liked the small house, but it felt too crowded. The too white walls reminded me of the basement where I shared a room with other boys. I couldn’t explain why I hated it so much, and why I didn’t bother to even try to go to the loft area, where apparently the bedroom was.
“We’ll keep looking. There’s no hurry in buying one if none of the places fit what you want or need,” Dawn had said after yet another showing.
I kept my gaze out the window, watching the trees pass by as she took us back home.
If it weren’t for him, maybe I could have thought about buying that house instead. Then, no one could have moved in, and I could keepliving with Dawnand using the other house for cooking all the treats.
Going back to what she said, I was in a hurry. I didn’t want another day to get away from Jasper. I needed to put as much physical space between the two of us as I possibly could.
“You’ll be the first to know if anything comes on the market this week,” Dawn went on, not knowing the inner turmoil that was wreaking havoc on me. “I’ll have to drop you off at home, so I can get back to the office for another client. I’ll bring dinner home tonight.”
The weight of her gaze on me didn’t help my impending sorrow. She worried, and probably for a good reason.
Mentally, I wasn’t doing well at all. I was fighting, but for what? There was nothing that was worth my time here, and hadn’t been since I was born. It was only my beating heart that kept me going, and until it stopped, I had to keep going. Had to keep pretending that a part of me was missing.
Dawn did drop me off at home, and luck was still not on my side.
“Hey Koda.”
I didn’t bother to glance over at Jasper as he all but jogged up to me. His shirt was off, again, showing off all the tattoos that wound up his arms and a bit across his chest and back.
“How are you?”
I shot him a glare, but kept my eyes firmly on his legs. No higher than his knees. If he could burst into ashes, now would be a great time.
“I heard you’re selling your cookies and bread at the coffee shop.”
Did he ever give up?
“I’m redoing my kitchen,” he went on, keeping pace as I stomped up the stairs to my front door. “Once it’s done, you’ll have to come over and check it out. The entire main floor will be all open, and a grand island. Tons of room for you to use the space to cook.”
Wisely, he stopped to the side, watching as I unlocked and opened the door. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if he happened to follow me inside.
“Asher’s worried about you.” He said as I slipped in through the door. “Noah, too.”
Yeah, well…
My heart dropped, knowing my avoidance of everyone but Dawn wasn’t working well. Not for me. But I had to.
It was the only way to cut off Jasper; to cut off my feelings.
“I’m worried, too, Koda.”
I breathed out a hard breath through my nose, shutting the door harder than intending, blocking him out. I flicked the lock, then promptly slid down to the floor right there, my back to the wooden door.
A sob came forth.
No one was to worry about me. He left, leaving me and my hurt to my own being. He once got me to think I may have had a chance, knowing I didn’t stand any chance of having a single moment with him again. Then he just had to come back and toy with me some more.
I couldn’t.
Gasping for breath, I squeezed my eyes shut and wished…wished for something better.
I was broken, inside and out. My heart was torn out of my chest, leaving it empty and hallowed. I wasn’t worth his time. I wasn’t worth trying for. Yet he kept pushing. He kept being him and I….
