I rubbed my chest with one hand before returning it to hold the star in place.
“Jasper says you are easy to read, but I don’t see it. You’re hiding in your mind.”
I moved on to the next cookie, my hand shaking as I spread the frosting on the top.
“But he’s also trained in reading body language,” Beckett went on, taking another step closer. “But I don’t think he can read you well today. He’s tearing himself up inside,thinking he did something wrong. Maybe even hurt you.”
When I didn’t say anything, forcing myself to keep frosting the never ending cookies, he went on.
“Did he hurt you somehow?”
The only hurt was my own. My own stupidity at my hope. My hope was now long squashed for some things.
Blinking quickly, I forced the tears to wait. For once, I prayed for something to keep my emotions in check.
“You both need to talk. Not shut each other out like you are. I understand today may not be the best day, since you are determined to finish something that could wait until later. But you need to talk to him. Jasper isn’t going to make the first move this time.”
Good, I thought. I needed Jasper, and this dumb man, to go away now. They needed to leave me alone.
Bending to take a closer look at the treat, making sure the frosting was as flat as I could get it, I moved it off to the side and started on the next one.
Chapter 40
I hated lying, but I did it anyway. Dawn didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary, even as she checked on me before she went to bed that night.
The only thing I had to eat that day was the one protein bar when there was company.
I felt bad for ignoring them all so much, but it was easier. If it had only been Asher and Noah, I’d have paused for a bit and actually watched a movie or something. Maybe. At least I’d have enjoyed the company more than I did with too many people over.
They hadn’t stayed too much longer after Beckett had found me. And I still didn’t like that man. He made me think and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
Jasper had left with them, whispered words about me knowing where to find him when, or if, I wanted to talk.
I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to feel.
My heart was broken, mostly by my own undoing. Now, I had to heal from that and get the man out of my thoughts.
Sitting by my window, watching the world slip away in the darkness, my gaze traveled towards his house. I couldn’t see him in there, since all the lights were off, as was mine. Notto mention, his room was on the other side of the house, so I couldn’t see him anyways.
The only room I could see into, if there was a light, was the kitchen. But even then, it wasn’t that far into the place.
Closing my eyes for a moment, I willed the monsters to not come get me tonight. I willed the past to stay far away. I could feel them creeping in, and I was trying to not let sleep pull me under.
Tonight wasn’t going to be a good one, just like so many others before it.
I should have known that the moment I meant Jasper, my life was going to be a roller coaster. It was before him, but he shook things up. And now. I was falling.
Leaning my head against the wall, my butt crying out for something softer to sit on, I blinked the dark house into focus. The moon was shaded by clouds, and the world was quiet.
I had once longed to see this view. Seeing the outside world through a window, free to explore it at my own pace. I wanted it so badly while I was held against my will in a room or basement. And here it was, yet now, I wanted so much more.
I wanted someone that didn’t want me.
I was pretty sure the only reason he came by today was because his friends did. Ihadn’t asked for any of them to come over to begin with, but now it felt like I was at fault.
There have been many times where it was my fault. My fault for not being able to take a cock fast or deep enough. My fault for crying when I was so tired and worn out, yet still had to take on a client. My fault for making another boy watch while I showed him how to do something right.
Now it wasn't any different.
