Maybe it was the odd combination of tattoos that decorated his arms against the soft look in his eyes. Or maybe it was the way he held himself. Or maybe I was more messed up than anyone thought.
The last one was the most likely.
I didn’t even understand myself, so of course my body and thoughts would go against everything.
I had no plans to ever become more than who I was right now. I knew I’d be lucky enough to eventually live on my own without fearing someone would storm into the house and take me away again.
There had been too many times that happened while growing up. I never figured out why social workers, or strange men, tended to come barging into whatever room I was sleeping in and drag me from bed. And I mean by grabbing my foot or arm and forcing me out of the warm comfort I so rarely got.
At least with the past taking me hostage, it swept away the weird feelings that a man had never invoked in me before. But with it, a sort of darkness washed over me. One I hadn’t felt since before Dawn had come into my life.
Chapter 18
It felt like the world was passing me by while I was stuck in place. Like so many times before, time held no meaning to me as it ticked on second by second.
Nothing had changed, yet everything had, in fact, changed while I battled the monsters in my head.
I was still simply Koda, yet the world felt off kilter. Like something was different and I had no say in the outcome. Although, I never truly did have a say in anything like that. Why would I, anyhow? It wasn’t like I could fix the weather as the seasons once again changed.
My thoughts were unshakable, even though I knew I was no longer living in the past. The hands of males would forever be etched into my soul, just like the words that were spat at me for my tears that I never had control over.
Some things wouldn’t change.
Two days later, and I had yet figured out what was exactly wrong with me. The darkness was still hanging over my head, holding its weight on my shoulders like a bolder.
Sitting on the wicker swing, chin resting atop of my knees, I let my thoughts wonder. It was all I could do.
Sleep hadn’t been my friend, and it reminded me just how tired I truly was deep down.
Going from years of no sleep, to finally finding some sort of peace in resting at night, then back to no sleep wasn’t the best for me or my thoughts. My eyes weren’t dry, either, since tears were a constant thing the last couple of days.
I lost count of how many times Dawn had asked me if I was okay. What was I to say to her? Tell her how messed up I was? Tell her that the monsters were pulling me back to the depths of their darkness? Or…I don’t know, yell and scream at the world at how unfair it all was?
I sniffed, my eyes slipping shut for a moment.
Hadn’t I cried enough? Hasn't the past haunted me enough? Why couldn’t I just forget it all happened and move on? Why couldn’t I just be normal and pretend that I was okay and fake it all until my life ended?
I was one of the crappiest actors out there. I could never fool Dawn, even if I tried. She saw through me. As did Dr. Shaw. So instead of lying, I didn’t say anything. Or write it down, was the better saying.
If it wasn’t out in the open, then it didn’t happen. Or at least part of my brain thought so.
I flashed my eyes open when there was a creek on the stairs.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” My gaze turned into a glare as whoever interrupted my…well whatever I was doing out here, became clearer. “I was just going to introduce myself. I’m helping clean up my grandmother’s house.”
A breath wafted past my lips as I shifted to sit up a bit better. While doing so, my brain caught up to speed.
“Oh. Uh…hi?” the man seemed to realize the same thing I had. One of his hands ran through his hair. “Right. Grams said you didn’t talk, and warned me this was a bad idea. But well, I like bad ideas. Anyhow,” he took a deep breath before dropping his tattooed arm back to his side. “I’m Jasper. I’ll be here off and on for the next few weeks. And my brother will tag along once in a while.”
Great,I thought.Could he go away now?At least this time, I didn’t have the same reaction to him as I had last time. Right now, I was just annoyed. And tired.
“Alright. Well…”He waved behind himself, then took a step down. “See you around?”
Not if I could help it, he wouldn’t.
I watched him turn and walk away, taking his bright blue eyes with him. For some reason,my feet wanted to follow him like I was a lost puppy looking for a new owner.
I scoffed at my thoughts as I stood and headed inside, the complete opposite direction than where that man was going. First off, I wasn’t a dog, despite what males had called me in the past. Second of all, why the heck did I even want to follow some random stranger? That wasn’t me, nor would it ever be me.
