I didn’t want to hold on to that anger.
Jasper was here now, and he was painting, and making plans with not just me, but with other friends. He couldn’t leave like he did before. Not without letting someone know way before time about said plans.
“The truth about what?”
Everything? Was that too vague? Instead, since I had no answers, I shrugged.
“Alright,” Jasper thought, tilting his head against mine. “My truth for you today. I’ve really enjoyed this week, spending time together. Even if it’s just watching a movie, or like right now. I’ll treasure all these moments for the rest of my life.”
Did he, just maybe, have more feelings for me than he played to have?
“I won’t ever want to trade the time with you for anything else. I missed two years with you, and I know two weeks won’t make up for that. But I promise, I’ll be doing everything I can to make up for not only that lost time, but also for hurting you so much.”
“Wasn’t all your fault.”
I was at blame too, for not talking, for not opening up about what I felt. It was more my fault for shutting down, and it took until today’s therapy session to realize that.
“I shouldn’t have left like I did, at least,” he went on as he pulled me to sit in his lap instead of beside him. “I should have talked toyou, no matter how much other crap was going on. I could have taken ten minutes to let you know, and made promises to keep in touch.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
“I know, little dove. I knew then just as I do now. But I could have offered. At least I could have left on a better note between us.”
No. I don’t think it would have made any difference. I’d still have been friend zoned. I’d have still suffered from a broken heart. And I’d still have spiraled like I did.
“I don’t hate you.”
I never did. But hate was stronger than love, and I couldn’t let my heart feel such a thing. I still couldn’t, even though it seemed to be a losing cause.
“Oh?” Jasperrested his forehead against mine.
Could he possibly know I never had?
“I hated myself.”
“Oh, Koda.” A hand cupped my face, the entire palm taking almost the full side. I leaned into his touch, soaking up every little touch, every word, that I possibly could. “You shouldn’t feel that.”
“Not so much today.” I blinked my eyes, staring straight into his, even though they wanted to shut to let his warmth seep into me.
“That’s good.”
“Tell me what you want.” I uttered, hoping it’d make my feelings settle. My heartburned for a whole new reason as he looked at me like I was something to cherish.
The smile filtered to his eyes, causing them to shimmer almost. “I want many things, little dove. I want to hold you. I want to spoil you. I want to see you cooking in the kitchen that’s being put together today. I want to see you happy and carefree. I want to hear you laugh and ask for things you never thought to ask of before. I want so much, and it all revolves around you.”
My heart, the darn traitor, beat alive in a way I had never felt before.
I knew without a doubt that I never stood a chance at keeping my emotions under control around this man. I had been a fool to even try. Yet, old habits die hard, and I am still freaking tried.
And failed.
Horribly.
“Why?” The question was croaked, almost lodged in my throat.
“Because I can’t see my life without you, Koda. That first time I saw you in the coffee shop, you were so scared. Not just of those around you, but of the world. Right then and there, I wanted to wrap you up and protect you from the world. I knew I was a goner, even though you were way too young.”
“I’m twenty now.” Just to make sure he knew I was an adult.
