“I can’t do that.” Stupid man. He took a step closer, slowly as though I were about to run off. “Not until I can find a way to help fix-“
“I’m not broken!” I yelled, my voice rising too high pitched.
“Okay, little dove.” He didn’t argue, but took another step closer. “But you’re sad. Angry.”
Of course I was!
“I hate you.” Tears fell as I stood at my full height. “I hate you.”
“Okay.”
Was he not really going to tell me that I had nothing to hate him for? Was he just going to take another step closer to me?
“You left!” Once I found my words, there was nothing I could do to get them to stop. My voice went from high, to low, to emotionless all in a matter of seconds. “You left. You never wanted me. Not as a friend. Not as anything. I know I’m just the kid you happen to feel nothing to. Probably felt sorry for me or something. I was nothing,amnothing. Don’t waste your time on me anymore. I’ll be gone soon enough. So go away andfuck off.”
“I’m not going to do that,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean to hurt you by leaving. I was scared of my own emotions, and you were – are- healing. Then Grams died, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I know I messed up, Koda. Iknowthat.”
“You left.” My throat clogged up, and I tried to hold on to that anger that was slowly swimming away.
“I left you without a word. I hurt you.”
“I hate you.” A sob broke forth before I could try to stop it. Jasper was quick, wrapping his arms around me. “I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you.”Weakly, I pounded my fists against his chest, but it did absolutely nothing to him. I wanted him to feel the pain I’d felt for two long years. I wanted him to feel like his heart wasn’t his.
“I hate me, too, little dove.”
I hiccupped a sob, not sure if I wanted to burrow more into him, or push him away and keep living a worthless life.
My legs collapsed, no longer able to hold my weight as my fight officially gave out.
I couldn’t fight him. My heart couldn’t take more hurt. My head couldn’t take more confusion.
“I got you, little dove. I won’t be going anywhere.”
Jasper picked me up easily, as if I weighed nothing, and my own body wrappedaround him. Legs around his hips, arms around his neck and nose pressed against his shoulder.
At that moment, I didn’t care where he took me. He could take me and kill me somewhere, hiding my body in the woods for all I cared. As long as he didn’t let me go until I was no longer breathing.
“I hate you,” I whimpered as he sat down on a couch, keeping me tight against his front.
He didn’t say anything, only squeezed his arms tighter around my back, holding me as tight as he dared.
I gave another sob as something soft was placed over my back. Jasper easily maneuvered the piece of cloth over me, caging me in once more. Then, another hand was on my back, rubbing up and down.
“Holler if you need anything,” Dawn whispered, taking away her touch.
“Of course,” Jasper muttered before pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Oh, little dove. Let it all out.”
The tears weren’t going to stop anytime soon. Every so often, a sob bubbled forth, wracking my entire body.
But through it all, Jasper held me. He mumbled soft words and promises. He whispered praises that I didn’t deserve.
Chapter 44
As I dozed, the tears never fully stopped. Maybe it had something to do with not crying much for the past two years.
Jasper moved to lay on the couch, head resting on a pillow that I think I put there weeks ago, with me still clinging to him.
For the time being, everything in the world was waiting on pause. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to rejoin the living, either.
