I found myself back in Zee’s room. It was the only quiet place since my outside time was cut short.
I was more annoyed than anything else. How did Beckett always get on my nerves so quickly? He just had to breathe, and it bugged me.
I huffed, sitting on the floor, back against the bed as Zee played some game on his TV, white controller between his two hands. I wasn’t too familiar with what game he was playing, but there was a lot of killing involved.
“What’s up?” he asked quietly, quickly hitting a number of buttons at the same time.
“Everything.” I huffed, pulling my legs up to my chest. “Beckett, mostly. I don’t know how he rubs me the way he does.”
That was a lie, so I had to backtrack. “He....I don’t know how to handle him.” That was better. “I swear, he brings the worst parts of me out. Which I hate.”
“Maybe...he likes you?”
I highly doubted that.
“I’m only eleven,” Zee said, quickly looking at me again while he died on the TV. “I can’t tell you much.”
True. I hoped he wouldn’t tell me what to do. He wasn’t even the person I wanted orders from.
We fell back into the silence that we often did. The sounds of his remote and the shooting on the TV were just enough to drown out the voices and laughter that floated up the stairs.
I knew some things would never change, and I hoped Zee was one of them. Focusing on him was better than my own issues right now. Neither of us needed to say things that we just knew.
Shifting so I laid on my back, eyes up at the ceiling, I let my thoughts wander for a few minutes. There were moments when I envied Zee. He got to know what a real family life was like, but then again, he was way younger than me. It wasn’t his fault. Just like none of the past I survived through was mine.
No matter how much I hated some people, I didn’t think any of them deserved to live through the abuse and pain that I had once lived through. No one should feel another man’s touch in ways like I had.
I was pretty sure that Zee hadn’t felt that, but he was too young to remember to know for sure. There wasn’t too much to know about his parents, anyway. Only that his mom was neglectful. I’m sure Collin or Ace had dug up the past on that woman. And they weren’t going to tell me, even if I asked. That information would be saved until Zee was old enough to understand.
“I don’t think I like....people. Like kissing and that stuff.” Zee’s words were quiet, but he said it in a way he was hoping I wouldn’t hear. So, I didn’t reply, letting him talk more to himself than to me. “Silas says that’s okay.”
“Of course that is,” I whispered, knowing he’d hear me. “No one expects you to want more than what you can give. And you are way too young to think about that stuff.”
“That’s all kids at school talk about.”
Yeah, well...I couldn’t help him there. If he thought going into sixth grade was bad, just wait until he was in high school. I had been extremely clueless in some aspects, yet knew way too much in others. Crushes were not something I ever dealt with.
“Keep being you, Zee. That’s all you gotta do. Don’t worry about what your classmates may or may not say.”
Zee breathed deeply, not replying.
“Yeah, easier said than done, I know.” I sat up again, leaning against the side of the bed.
***
On the porch, sitting on the top step with a plate of ice cream and cake that looked like it had glitter splattered on top, I mostly listened to the group of kids running around chasing each other in the yard. It was easier than trying and failing to not listen to the grown adults behind me talk about drama in the family.
Well, drama wasn’t the right word, but it was close enough.
Looking out over the grass towards the barn, I watched as Noah chased Lucy. She was giggling the entire time and I couldn’t help but smile.
There were times I missed being so close to the family. Times I could just sit here and watch them be normal. I never got to be happy and free, running with the birds or playing simple games. I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had.
Would I have grown to still want the same desires that run in my veins? Would I have been more outspoken about such things? Or would I still have to be me? Unsure and afraid of the unknown?
I knew I couldn’t turn back time and find those answers. And even if I could, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do anything about it anyway.
I will forever be Asher, no matter what.
