Chapter 32
There had only been a handful of times I called out of work. Nothing usually held me back, because as long as I could stand, I went in. But this time, I just didn’t have the energy to deal with people. Let alone the energy to try to get clean and to show up.
So, I called in sick a couple of hours early. I didn’t bother to answer the texts back that were filled with fake concerns.
The night, as I expected, had been long. Every time I dozed off, the memories hit. Each one was harder than the one before it. My stomach was in knots almost all night, and I was pretty sure I was all cried out.
I only moved from my spot when my stomach demanded it, but even then, there wasn’t much left in me.
When I was younger, I’d beg for my mother to come comfort me. I didn’t remember her now, after all these years, but I knew she was never the comfort type of person. She didn’t care for me, just like most people around in my life now.
I didn’t dare ask for comfort. I was an adult.
I just wanted it all to stop.
Resting with my head against the back of the couch as I found a comfortable enough place to put my head. I was afraid to lie down. I was scared to move. And I was frightened to let sleep catch me.
It was a new day. The sun was up. So, the hands of the memories shouldn’t tug me down more again, but it was too soon. They could still reach me. They always could.
I hardly jerked as the door opened, followed by Noah chatting a bit too loud.
I probably should have moved, hidden away a while ago. But that took too much energy that I didn’t have.
“Asher? What’s wrong?” Noah was there moments later.
I jerked with Noah’s hand cupped my forehead, the touch lasting a second longer than needed. “Please answer. You’re scaring me.”
“Long night.” My mouth was too dry, and my thoughts were slow. “Sick.” I cracked an eye open his way.
It was easier than trying to explain the night-long panic.
“Oh.” Noah sat at my feet on the couch, a hand running along the hairline. My eyes closed again at the touch. “I’m not good with that stuff.”
“I know, sweetheart.” I sighed, finally relaxing as he continued to touch me. Noah was here, and all would be okay for now.
“Noah,” Beckett called, making his touch leave me. I somehow kept my whine contained. There were whispers before a door closed softly and Noah was back beside me.
“You need a shower.”
“Later.” That took work, too.
All I wanted to do was sleep now. Noah was here. He’d keep the monsters away for the day. At least until I had to push him away once and for all.
At that thought, I forced my body to move so I was sitting up more. My head swam, causing my stomach to tighten again for a moment. Once the room stopped spinning, I looked at Noah, more seeing through him than anything else.
There was so much I needed to say, but the words wouldn’t work with me. So instead, I moved to lay on the couch, feet in his lap and blanket over me. As I moved, I got a whiff of puke that was on my shirt, but that was a problem for later.
“Love you, No-no.”
***
The TV was on something that Noah loved. His comfort movie, as he called it. I couldn’t deny that it brought me comfort too. I knew if it was on, then Noah was here with me. Somewhere.
I kept my breathing even, afraid to move. I knew once I did, my body would hate me more than it already did on any given day.
God, did I wish that I could take certain things and forget. I’d wash it all away with bleach.
The aftermath of a long night was an even longer day.
