I couldn’t remember how it felt to be alone here like this. It was quiet.
Already, I missed Noah’s chattering about what animal he really wanted. I missed the TV being on in the background.
I huffed to myself.
This wasn’t going to work.
Taking a detour to my room, I put on whatever clothes my hands landed on. Slipping on my shoes, I pocketed my phone and left the apartment.
How could a few weeks change things so quickly? It wasn’t fair. I wanted to pout and stomp, but I wasn’t a kid.
Although walking would give me a reason to stomp out my frustrations, I chose to drive to the store to get what I needed for the next week or so.
I didn’t know if this one-time thing of Noah staying the night at Beckett’s would turn into longer like it often did when he stayed with me. But either way, I got enough food for the two of us. Noah’s favorites, along with easy things for me to make with or without a house guest.
By the time I made it back to the apartment, the sun was trying to set, casting long shadows from the buildings.
I was tired, worn out, and overwhelmed all at once.
I didn’t know what to do to fix any of those issues.
I was twenty-one years old now. I should have wanted to go out and drink until I couldn’t see straight. I should want to find a hookup, making the best night of my life.
Instead, all I wanted to do was go home and curl up on the couch to some old movie and hope that sleep would claim me.
Which is exactly what I did after I got the groceries put away.
While on the couch, blanket over the top of me, TV to something that I didn’t exactly like, I replied to the few text messages from family. They all wished me a happy birthday and hoped I was doing something fun.
Fun. That was laughable.
I didn’t know when the last time I had fun was. It had been so long. I preferred boring. Simple. And predictable.
It has been working for me so far.
Turning to where I was lying on my back, I stared up at the ceiling. Thoughts ran in and out of my mind, a mix of Noah, my past, and secrets.
I didn’t know how long I’d be able to keep ignoring things. It was clear after today that a simple command from a dom could make me cave, and not in a good way. As the days passed, the desire to kneel before someone grew and grew. It wasn’t helping that a certain person kept showing up when I least wanted them to.
Swiping a hand down my face, I sighed out a long breath.
Beckett would forever be a mystery. I refused to learn more about it. I refused to remember that he could bind me with rope.
I turned to face the TV and forced my thoughts to go away.
Chapter 31
Gasping, I sat up on the couch. My breathing was too heavy, and my chest felt like it was caving in.
I couldn’t see, my eyes clouded over in tears as my brain tried to restart.
The gunshot still echoed in my mind, and I wasn’t sure if it was just in my dream or in my real life. I could feel the chain holding me against my will in a musky, dirty basement somewhere deep underground.
I gagged, fighting against the memories.
Not now, I pleaded. Please. No
Tripping over my feet as I stood, my knee hit the edge of something as I all but ran towards the bathroom.
