“You’re my only friend,” Dakota spoke, a small smile as he leaned into Allister. “We aren’t so unlike each other. I know that now. You need someone like Sir.”
He wasn’t wrong, so I just shrugged. “I got Noah and you. And family.” I’d survive with nothing else. And after so long of not having a family to call my own, I wouldn’t give it up for things I thought I needed.
“There’s a story there,” Beckett, again, butting in where he didn’t need to be.
“One you won't get. Ever.” Not even Noah knew it all. My best friend knew some because he’d seen me freak out a time or two over stupid things. But he didn’t know half of what I went through. It was better that way.
Some secrets would go to the grave with me.
“Asher,” Allister warned at my tone of voice. My entire body flushed.
Crap.
I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to bury things once more. I knew it wasn’t going to work as my eyes watered behind my lids.
Keeping my head down, I uttered some sort of excuse and walked quickly away. I knew the place as well as I did the back of my hand. Going to the bathroom was out of the question. Not because of other people using it, but because that’d be where any sane person would look for me first. And right now, I just wanted a few minutes to collect myself. And fight off the stupid shitty feelings that were pushing me down.
Slipping through the kitchen, I made my way towards the back alley through the door that never got shut during the work hours. The air was on the warmer side, and it smelt like old trash. But it was ten times better than staying behind the bar with too many eyes on me.
I preferred to be invisible. I preferred to not let others see me fall apart.
Yet, I wanted someone to notice. I wanted someone to catch me.
I was giving myself whiplash, and I didn’t know what to do to make it stop.
Breathing in deep, I leaned against the brick wall. I counted to ten, then to twenty. Then to fifty. I willed my heart to slow and my thoughts to just go away.
I was so tired. Tired of carrying everything. Tired of pretending to be okay when I really wasn’t.
I wasn’t ashamed for speaking my thoughts the way I had. It was a limit, and I had the freaking right to lay down the stupid lines. There were reasons my past couldn’t come to the surface now. Or ever again.
I wasn’t that person anymore. Or so I kept telling myself.
I was my own person and could say no when and if I wanted. I had my own thoughts that went unsaid because no one would understand them. My own desires had to stay buried, no matter what Dom may or may not talk or look at me.
Taking in one last deep breath, and feeling as settled as I was going to get, I made my way back inside. I bypassed the waiter who was trying to load too many plates onto a serving tray. I briefly thought to stop and help, but that wasn’t what I was hired to do here. If asked I’d have. But like I wanted, they ignored me.
I was a mix of pissed and thankful at the same time.
Back behind the bar, Beckett had left. That...that made it a bit easier.
“What’s going on, Asher?” Allister asked when I stood back on the other side of the counter. His eyes were all-knowing, yet he still had to ask.
“Life?” I shrugged. “He...that guy...he’s making me crazy. I swear he comes in here to just push my limits.”
“There’s more than just a single man bothering you.”
Truthfully, it started when I felt the rope around my hands.
“Noah’s seeing him, which is good. They are good for each other.” I paused, looking up in time to see Beckett take a seat through the window area as the food was delivered. “His brother did a demo a few weeks ago and it was with rope. I...it. Crap.” Why couldn’t I get my words to work? I tried again. “Oscar asked me to stand in for his partner in it. I don’t know why me, but I did. And since then, my thoughts are all fucked up. And apparently my emotions, too.”
“You got a taste of something and you want more.”
More like need, but I didn’t say that. I just shrugged. “I don’t like it, and I’m trying to work around the issues. But I know Beckett knows how to use rope too, and the way he is....well a Dom and it makes me act all stupid. But he’s Noah’s and I won’t go in between them.”
Chapter 30
“I’m going to stay the night with Beckett tonight,” was Noah’s greeting right as I walked into the door.
