“Phone?”
Noah didn’t bother asking, just handed over his phone to me before slipping his shoes off. I watched in half amusement as he started to take his clothes off right there, too. Shirt over his head and his pants kicked off after almost struggling to stay upright.
“Hey,” I called as he started to walk off. “These aren’t staying here.”
“Oops.” Noah’s tone may have been sheepish, but his look was anything but that.
What was he trying to do?
I lifted a brow, waiting as he bent to pick up the clothes and then headed towards the bathroom. When the door shut behind him, I opened his text messages and found Beckett’s right at the top. I sent a quick text, letting him know we made it home, before doing my normal walk-through of the night. I knew no one could ever get in here and hide. But old habits died hard. Or however that saying went.
Keeping my thoughts strictly on what I needed for Noah, I pushed my own doubts and worries down. I refused to give the growing anxiety my attention.
“Ashie?” Noah’s voice called from the bathroom right as I got our phones onto the chargers in the bedroom.
I didn’t bother to answer, instead just walking towards him. The door was opened when it had been closed a few minutes earlier. Noah stood naked in the middle of the bathroom like he was confused.
“What’s up, sweetheart?” I didn’t expect him to go into sub drop, but I also hadn’t expected to get into subspace with a tiny bit of rope.
I slowly walked to him, watching him for any sign of sadness or pain.
“I couldn’t see you.” His chin wobbled.
“Oh, sweetheart.” When I was close enough, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling Noah tight against my chest. “I was getting things ready for bed. Putting your phone on the charger. Letting Beckett know you were home.”
Noah melted into me, sniffing. “Orry.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” I squeezed him tighter for a second, hoping to let him know that he wasn’t alone there. Ever. “Is there anything else you need to do before we go to bed?”
Noah only shrugged.
“Have you brushed your teeth? Gone potty?” He nodded to both. “Good boy. Then let's get you to bed.”
Slowly, Noah pulled back and wiped a hand under his nose.
“Come on.” I slipped his hand into mine, gently pulling him along down the hallway. “Clothes?”
Noah shook his head, going straight to the bed and crawling in under the covers. His eyes were closed before he even hit the pillow. He still found me as I got in on my side, curling around me like he always did.
It was a bit harder to ignore the fact that he was naked, pressed up tightly against me, though. I kept a pair of shorts on after having changed before he had called for me.
Trying to relax my body, my mind had other ideas. I stared up at the pebbled ceiling, a hand running up and down Noah’s naked back.
I knew already that sleep wasn’t going to be kind to me tonight. Not with the darkness lurking in the corners of my mind. Not with my heart beating a pace too fast in my chest. Shadows danced across the room as a car passed by, before the silence grew to be too much.
I forced my breathing to even out. I wanted to pace the apartment like I did so many times before when sleep refused to claim me. I needed to move.
Since I couldn’t, not without waking Noah if I were to move, I flexed my feet, counting to ten over and over. Sometimes, it’d help. Mostly never, but like once or twice.
It felt like my world was caving in.
I didn’t want to share Noah. I didn’t want to go to the club ever again and see him so free, so happy. But I knew I couldn’t be what he needed. I couldn’t make rules and follow through with them when he needed me to do so.
Noah was a little. He’d get hurt if he knew what I truly wanted. He’d look at me differently once he found out that I wanted someone to choke me, wanted someone to force me to kneel at their feet.
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the tears to not gather. I knew what I needed to do, but I hated it.
I hated it all.
