Chapter 17
As promised, I texted Oscar right after getting back to my empty apartment. Half of me wished that there was someone here to greet me, even if it were a pet. But I preferred to be alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with misery that I tried hard to mask.
Alone with my demons.
Over the years, I may have learned healthy ways to cope and I got good at pretending. I was good enough to make myself believe that I was okay. That I could handle whatever life decided to throw my way.
But sometimes, I wasn’t strong enough. Some nights, when the dark felt all-consuming and never wanted to end, things didn’t look so bright. The nightmares were almost suffocating.
Too many times have I woken up in the middle of the night, wishing for strong arms to hold me; arms to chase away the monsters that were only in my dreams.
Shaking off the thoughts, I made sure the door was locked before slipping off my shoes. I didn’t want to think about how tonight could go. It was better to not dwell on things I had no control over.
I was a grown adult.
The past should have no control over me. Even though it did more often than not.
Tossing my phone onto the side table, I didn’t bother to make it to my bedroom. I wasn’t ready for bed, yet wasn’t awake enough to do anything else that needed to be done.
My limbs were still slightly weak from the demo. And whatever that experience was. I liked it at the moment, but now I wasn’t so sure.
This was one of those times that having someone here would have been nice. Someone to talk to, to cuddle against, or just be together.
Flipping on my latest show obsession, I sprawled out along the one couch I had in front of the TV.
My apartment wasn’t much, but it was just what I needed. Close to work so I didn’t have to drive if the weather allowed me to walk. It was just far enough away from my foster parents' house that they couldn’t stop in randomly, but yet close enough that they could be here if I needed them.
That was a strange thing to get my mind wrapped around. Having a set of adults who would drop anything to come help. Not that I had yet to call them in the middle of the night for anything. But I knew Scarlett and Dominic would.
Pulling the chunky knitted blanket from the back of the couch, I let it settle over my body as I turned to my side, my eyes staring at the TV but not really seeing it.
I had too many thoughts, yet my mind was blank.
It was a miracle that I was still alive today. I should be dead.
I let a breath ghost from my mouth. Thoughts of the past weren’t allowed to sneak up. Not tonight.
Maybe if I told myself that, it’d help.
The past few weeks have been good. Almost too good.
But that was the thing about panic attacks. They did like to sneak up on a person with no warning.
Huffing out a breath, I pushed from the couch. I knew tonight was one of those nights I either needed to not be left alone, or to take one of the pills that I had stashed in the back of the cupboard. Since one of those options wasn’t workable, I stood and went in search of the little white pill that would not only make me fall asleep but also keep the demons away for another night.
I didn’t want today and something good to be tainted with a nightmare and panic.
What happened was something I was willing to explore more on, if given the chance. I’d rather deal with being groggy all day tomorrow over tainting something that I could have the chance to try again.
***
I startled awake when my phone started blaring the most obnoxious ringtone known to man. My eyes were dry and itchy, and my movements slow. Right as I got my body to grab ahold of my phone from where I had left it, it began to ring again, just as loudly as before.
I squinted, more from the sound than the brightness of the home screen telling me who it was.
