“We can’t be more than friends.” Which was funny, since I once said I didn’t do friends, either. But yet, here I was. Trying to close off my heart from wanting to fall in love with my best friend.
Noah tilted his head like I was insane. “Okay?” He squinted, looking at me closer. “We are friends.”
Oh, Noah, I mentally sighed. “Yeah, friends, No-No.” He brightened at my nickname. It wasn’t my fault I had called him that one of the few nights I woke up in a panic a few weeks ago.
I was glad that I wasn’t having to take anti-depressants any longer. Only meds to help fight the panic attacks, but even then they were getting farther in between the episodes. I wasn’t going to confess that Noah may be the one that helped the most. Knowing he’d never walk away after seeing me freak out one too many times was nice.
I had yet to tell him about what I’d been through, nor did I have any plans to. That right there, knowing how ruined I was inside, would no doubt send him packing, never to look at me again.
“Of course we are, Ashie. Best friends. Forever.”
Forever.
I actually got that. I was able to have a friend. More than that I really tried. I got to have a life. Got to be.
“So, have you decided what college you’ll be going to in the fall?”
I dropped my gaze, pretending that I had to check on the cookies. I hated talks of college. High school was bad enough.
I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t going. If I did, then he wouldn’t go. And Noah deserved the world. He could do whatever he wanted without the risk of making himself seem stupid. I, on the other hand, was stupid. I couldn’t even get a passing score on the dumb SAT testing. And there was no point in redoing it.
I didn’t see myself going to more schooling. That was one thing I didn’t need. Not in the past or the future. The school was definitely not for me.
“Not yet.” It was easier to give a white lie. “Still waiting on letters.” Hopefully, by the time Noah got into his choice of school, and packed his bags and all, he’d forget about me not going anywhere. “I have a few courses online I’m looking into doing while working part-time.”
The working thing was true. I had a job lined up with my grandma. It wasn’t much, and it was all volunteer time, but it was a start. No one would hire me anyway unless they knew who I was living with. And I wasn’t going to pull that string.
“Cool.” No, it wasn’t, but I shrugged. It was what it was.
A part of me didn’t care that I wasn’t going to college. But the other part wanted to go with Noah. I had a feeling that our time was going to be cut short. He’d change there. He would find new friends who understood him. And I’d be left here to fall back into my miserable life that I was trying to run away from.
I wanted to make this last summer count. I’d be turning eighteen, Noah would be off to new adventures, and we’d cease to exist as friends.
“I’d rather do online classes like you. But Mom says I have to go to college to get a good job.” Noah sat up a bit. “I don’t think I need to go.”
“You’ll have fun.” Hopefully. “We will still call and text all the time.” At first, at least. I’m sure it won’t last. But Noah would need me to push him to go, or he’d stay here. And that wasn’t what someone like him should do.
Noah was to travel the world, see things, and experience things that I would never get the chance to do. Well, I mean, I could. I just didn’t want to.
I’d seen enough of the world’s people. I didn’t need to go sightseeing to know the real monsters that lurked in the dark.
Chapter 15
Age 20
The building that stood before me, tall enough to block the early afternoon sun from my eyes, had once been frightening. Terrifying, even. Not because of what it held, but because of the doors it opened once I got the guts to walk into the place.
Three stories, although the first level was a story and a half if you wanted to count it as such.
The set of brick walls were painted a lighter color, making it appear normal to most people. Just another bar with extra activities that went on. To any sane person, they wouldn’t dare step into this place without knowing first what went on beyond the dark, heavy door.
I had spent months talking myself into entering this place. I knew what went on. A certain family member hadn’t let that little tidbit drop on my prying ears without knowing exactly what they were doing. Collin was a lifesaver. In more than one way.
Still, it took some real guts to enter. It took research to find out what really was this place, and that opened more doors than I ever thought I needed. So, after months of talking myself into going, only to get to that door and then run back to my car like the scared stray dog that I was, I finally got past that one object.
Of course, having some pushes come from some of the members, who could be considered friends, helped. If it weren’t for them, I still would be playing that cat-and-mouse game.
Now, I could walk through that door, not afraid of the unknown.
