Some part of me told me to not give up. To get my butt up off the cold hard floor and get a white pill to chase away the bad memories. But the tired of life part of me said screw it all.
Moving was next to impossible, even as the coldness of the unforgiving floor seeped into my bones.
My own punishment for my life choices, I thought with a crying huff. I deserved to feel such things if I could even do right by a friend. Or my family.
No one knew the price I’d paid to just be here today. No one cared. No one would ever know what I’ve been through. My secrets were going to die with me. But maybe death wasn’t so far away now.
I had no one to keep living for. I had no one who really cared.
My family would be fine. They probably wouldn’t even notice right away.
I breathed in deeply, but otherwise, I didn’t move. It took too much work to try to pull myself from the floor, let alone anywhere else.
As my broken heart settled, my racing thoughts did too. But only because I was done. Done trying. Done pretending. Just flat-out done.
I was better off alone anyway.
***
When one side of my body was sore from laying curled up on the floor, I slowly sat up. The room was still dark, shadows chasing along the hard floor. One hand was numb, having slept against it at an odd angle.
Sure that Noah had left like I told him to do, I slowly pulled myself up from the floor. Parts of my body ached in ways I had long forgotten about. I didn’t miss those days, nor would I ever. Sleeping on the floor may be better than plain cement, but still just as bone-chilling in the end.
Scrubbing dried tears from my face, I breathed out harshly.
I felt empty. And I hated it.
Knowing there was no fix to this or anything else in my life, I slowly opened the door. The lights were still on, just like they had been when I got home. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, except it was still dark out.
Ignoring the pull to look at the couch, not wanting to feel even more empty than I already was, I shuffled towards the kitchen. There, I filled a cup with water, drowning in a matter of seconds. I debated on taking a pill, any of the ones that I had in orange bottles that happened to be tucked away, but that took more energy than I had. It’d be way too easy to take the perfect amount of pills where I’d never wake up again.
I dipped my chin to my chest for a moment, forcing thoughts to leave. They could leave me like everyone else in my life. Leave me to be. Leave me to suffer. Just...leave me.
Turning, ready to go to bed and possibly never wake up again, I paused mid-step.
Noah stood where the living room and kitchen met. His arms were wrapped around himself, holding parts together just like I was trying to do.
“I told you to go. Leave.” I tilted my chin up towards the door.
“I...I tried. Okay? But I can’t.”
“I don’t want you here anymore.” I nearly growled. Just let me die in peace, I silently begged.
“Asher Carvre.” I gulped as my name was spoken in a low warning by the one person who should not be here. “Go sit on the couch.”
I fought my feet from moving, instead I shot the darkest glare I could at the man who stood just beside Noah.
I dared him. Dared him to do anything. Something.
“No.”
There was fear there, but I didn’t allow my hatred for not just him, but myself, to seep from every part of me.
“Now.” At the raised voice, I jerked, not having expected it. “Asher. Go sit.”
So, I sat. Right where I was in the kitchen. I didn’t have to follow Beckett’s orders. This was my place.
“Fine. I can work with that.” Beckett whispered something to Noah before he stepped closer to me. Only when his feet were nearly touching me, did he kneel. One of his knees popped, but that wasn’t any concern to him.
