As long as I had Noah, I’d never need a single other thing. He was my life; my everything.
Even as sleep slowly seeped away, allowing the world to become a bit sharper now that the pills were mostly out of my system, I knew I could never let Noah go. I had been so stupid to try, but I wasn’t sure what to do now.
I could never be what he needed. Same as he’d never be what I’d need. We’d be at an impasse for the rest of our lives.
“Stop thinking,” Noah muttered, his voice muffled against my chest.
I breathed out harshly, trying to hide a laugh. My lips twitched in a half smile despite my inner turmoil.
After a second, since apparently I was still thinking too loudly, Noah’s words, not mine, he pulled away enough to peek up at me. His eyes were slightly red and darkened by lack of sleep.
“Hi.” I swallowed, my voice weak. Every part of me was still weak, despite how much I must have slept. But that was how those white pills were. They offered fake sleep, where I didn’t exactly fully rest. Only gave me a small reprieve of the monsters that would forever have their claws in me, dragging me further and further away.
“Hi,” Noah repeated back, a tiny smile lighting his eyes. His voice was just above a whisper, but it was full of everything he felt. All the fear, relief, and tiredness.
My hand had a mind of its own, cupping Noah’s cheek with my thumb right under his eye. There was so much I wanted to say, yet the words didn’t come. They were lost inside of me. Just like so much else was.
I dropped my hand as Noah smashed his way back into my chest. I wrapped him in my arms the best I could, holding him tightly to me. His body shook against me, tears soaking the front of my shirt.
Although I could apologize until I was blue in the face, it wouldn’t change a single thing. I never wanted to make him upset, and I wasn’t even entirely sure what I had done to cause this reaction.
Thankfully, Noah settled after a few minutes, only sniffing here and there. Soon enough, his breathing was even and he was dozing off, cuddled against me like nothing had happened.
I ran a gentle hand along his back, hoping it’d keep him asleep for a little while longer. He wasn’t the only one here who needed more rest.
Too weak to hold on to him so tightly, my arms loosened as I followed, dozing off enough to gain a tiny bit of strength. I just needed enough to get a shower in before I crashed somewhere again. But even that thought tired me out. There was no way I could stand and wash away the past couple of days, or however long it had been.
I groaned, which in turn woke Noah up once again.
“Wha’s w’ong?”
“Need to shower, but lots of work.” Even making a complete sentence was too much work, obviously.
“Eh.” Noah must have thought so too, as he didn’t move a single limb from around me.
“If there was a bigger tub, you’d both be able to fit together.” Both of us jerked at Beckett’s voice. “You both need a shower. And food.”
Food was the last thing on my mind, but I didn’t say that. My words were stuck in my throat. I’d rather concentrate on that rather than the idea of both Noah and me in a tub together.
“Daddy,” Noah huffed as he pulled away enough to look at the man. “I was s’eeping.”
“I apologize.” He didn’t seem to exactly mean those words. “Asher does need to change and get cleaned up.”
Either Noah was a bit too forthcoming, or I was that readable. Or maybe Beckett was a mind reader. That’d make the most sense.
I wasn’t a fan of staying in dirty clothes for days on end. While it may have only been two days, it felt like a week since that first white pill.
Noah made some sort of grunt or groan huff-like noise in his chest before he flopped over to his back and slung an arm over his eyes, shielding the light from reaching him. If I had had enough energy, I’d have laughed at his antics.
Now that he wasn’t attached to me, I took note that I was sweaty and gross. How he could have been cuddled so close for hours on end was beyond me. The front of my shirt was sticky in spots, while a few spots felt stiff and scratchy. I didn’t even remember having a shirt put on me.
If it weren’t for knowing Noah as well as I did, I’d have worried something else had happened to my body without my say-so. It had happened before.
“You okay?” Beckett asked, stepping closer to where I lay on the floor.
I looked up at him, the sun shining behind him which gave off a glow around his head. I nodded, licking my lips. “Stray thought.”
“Bath or shower?” he went on, knowing I wouldn’t add more to my answer than what I already gave.
