I just wanted this to end. Hadn’t the past tormented me enough already? Why make my present bad, too?
It didn’t take Beckett long to do what he said he was going to do. All I could manage was to move so my back leaned against the bottom part of the couch. With my knees drawn up towards my chest, I rested my head on the couch cousin, blinking lazily.
If I was sane, I’d have gone to find Noah myself. I felt bad that he had issues with certain body fluids. Normally, I would have. But not right now. It was tough enough to stay sitting up and breathing.
I made a mental note to never take more than one of those white pills again. I held no grudge against Noah’s decision. He was, after all, only trying to help me. But now, I hated feeling out of control like this.
“Sorry.” Noah’s small voice filtered into my brain as he rounded the couch.
“Not your fault, No-No.”
Noah took a seat right beside me, leaning into my side. It was almost like he wanted to become a part of me. Which, really, he already was. We were stuck together.
So why the heck had I been trying to push him towards Beckett, then? Why did I always have to fight for things I knew weren’t in my best interest?
“Love you,” I muttered the two words. I did love Noah. It wasn’t something I said often to him, but it felt like it was needed.
Or maybe my filter was gone for the time being and I didn’t have the strength to fight it.
“Love you, too. Always.” Noah laid his head on my shoulder, soaking me in as much as I was him.
“How’s your stomach doing, darlin’,” Beckett asked as he took a seat on the couch next to me. He was close enough for my body to lean into his leg again, so that’s what I did.
“Empty.” It was the best way to explain it. There was nothing in me anymore, and it wasn’t hurting.
Beckett huffed a laugh while a hand landed in my hair once again. “I’m gonna get you some Sprite to help keep you settled.” He stood again, pulling away before a whine could bubble forth.
“Daddy?” Noah paused for a second. “Can I have some, too?”
“Sure, sweetheart.”
Shifting around, Noah found his stuffed animal, pressing it into my chest once again. I lifted a brow at him in question.
“There’s nothing wrong with liking something soft and cuddly.”
“I’m good with just you.”
“Here you go, boys.” Beckett handed each of us a water bottle with the clear bubbly drink. I was slower to take mine. By the time I got a halfway decent drink, Noah had crawled up to the couch to lay his head in Beckett’s lap after he sat. I leaned into his leg once more, wanting to soak up the comfort that I had longed for for so long.
I knew once I was past this little issue, no one would want me to hang all over them. Well, Noah would, but he didn’t count.
Noah’s hand landed in my hair this time. I knew it was him, because his hand was not only smaller, but his nails didn’t scrape against my scalp like Beckett’s had. Still, I soaked up the moment, relaxing further against Beckett’s leg.
Chapter 41
The next time I woke up, I was more aware of not just my surroundings, but my body. Every part of me hurt like it did most of the time when I was coming out on the other side of a panic or anxiety attack.
I rolled over, running a hand over my face in the same motion. My hip popped as I stretched my legs out, toes bent towards the floor. While doing so, a warm body followed, sneaking in to lay on my chest and wrap around me like some sort of monkey.
I didn’t have to open my eyes to know that it was Noah. I did have to wonder if he was like this with Beckett, too. Then, with that thought a spike of jealousy hit me.
With a deep calming breath, I forced it away. I didn’t get a say in how Noah was with his daddy. I wasn’t a part of their relationship.
When Noah moved again, his knee barely missing something more sensitive, I bent my knees to turn a bit towards him with a grunt. That was maybe the only part of me that wasn’t throbbing in a dull ache, and I’d like to keep it that way.
That only gave Noah more room to wriggle into me, planting his entire front with my own. Like so many times before, there was no space between us. I didn’t mind. If anything, I moved my leg to allow him more access, flipping it over his own.
Now, we were a pretzel, one that I never wanted to be untangled from.
